Monogamy. It's a concept. An idea. A way.
And something I really don't believe in. That's why it doesn't hurt me to act the way I do. It's selfish of me, too, I suppose. But I see no point in trying to be with one person. I've said that before, I know I have; many times. At my age? And really, how many people get the forever they wish for. Everyone really ends up hurt in the end, don't they? Having someone to come home to, to feel like home, is nice, yes. But it's more. How can one person make you feel wanted? Like the end of the world kinda wanted? I know certain people want me. And I've used that to my advantage before, yes. But it's the want of strangers I prefer. Because they don't know me. I've always thought I could make anyone like me, if I tried hard enough. Because I change to fit, to work for people I want around. And when someone who can't remember my name wants me? It's.. a reprieve. They don't know me, and I don't have to try. It's simple. It's enjoyable. Wrong, maybe.
I love people, with all of me. I do, I have. But I still can't be faithful. I thought, I only couldn't because of distance. It's not that. I have someone right with me, whenever I want them. And still, I throw that away for one night with a stranger. Or break their trust in me with the words I use on someone else - words that belong to them. I want to be satisfied with one person. Always.
Maybe, it's because I change so much. "It's because she's a different person every time you look at her. It's like falling in love over and over." He said that. He meant it, with so much love, it almost hurt. I know I change, and bend, and waver. And I'm learning not to break. But it's difficult.
I can't say no, I know that. Maybe that's it too; just wanting to make everyone else happy. When I know I can't. But I can try, right? I'm selfish, too. Maybe that's why; I think I deserve everyone around me, so I'll take it. But it's more than that. And I want so desperately to know what it is, so I can cure it. Not that who I am is a disease.. Just so I can make the person I want happy. I could, maybe, if I could find a better way to describe monogamy and how I feel about it to the person I love.
But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
I'm afraid. Afraid of the next two years of my life - of how every thing's changing. How sick I'm getting. The MRI should find out what's wrong with my head so they can fix that. But what if they can't fix it? What if I'm past saving? I still need to see my doctor when I get home; but the pain of waiting is almost as bad as the sharks teeth ripping my insides apart on a daily basis.
I've always wanted attention, maybe this is the justice I deserve; giving me a reason for people to pay attention to me. I'd give all that back, just to be okay.
Past hope, and in despair; that way past grace.
