'He's the reason for my unhappiness.'
'Yet you stay with him? You're that masochistic?'
'I love him.'
Love. The thing people turn to to blame all the problems of the universe upon. People blame their actions upon it; say they carried out murders for their 'love' of God. For Him. Blame their unhappiness's upon love. People aren't unhappy because of love. Or because they're in love. It's because of people. And I frankly, have had enough of people. If someone hurts you, move away from the pain. But as humans we are drawn to it, aren't we? 'That which does not kill us, makes us stronger.' But what if what's killing us, gets us so, so down that by the time we're ready to regenerate and be strong again we've been slaughter by our own pain.
Emotional pain is of our own fault. The people that hurt you are those that you let near, or have feelings towards; without those connections, we cannot be harmed.
I broke an innocent girls heart. Yes, it's my fault she was hurt, I caused the pain that shakes her so badly. But really; she is the only one to blame. She let me get close enough to her heart to drive tiny dangers into the pressure points where my name rested. I let her that close too. Outside factors influenced the heartache we felt, and the need to escape. All the pain she felt I felt too. Possibly not equally, but just because pain is different, does not make it less. But
I know now: If she isn't close enough to my heart, she will not injure it. I can love her, yes. But I'm learning now to take certain measures - precautionary steps - so that I'll never be hurt the way she was.
No one has ever broken my heart. And there I go, using that old cliche - but; while my heart still lay in pieces at the bottom of an empty cavity, it was not the fault of one. Almost the fault of my own. Yes, my father had alot to do with the shattered fragments that lead the others to fall. So did few other people. But I let my heart fall. There's a switch, somewhere inside me that I've switched, again. It's a switch I flick when pain comes too close, I suppose. But I've learnt my lesson: No one will break my heart without my permission. And at this moment in time - right now - I'm okay with no one being close enough to hurt me the way I hurt people.
I'm not saying don't get close, don't love, and I know I'm making myself sound as if I'm a heartless bitch. But you can do all those things without the inflicted pain. I know that now. It's about learning. And wanting. And that tiny little switch has moved again - no one will ever get as close to hurting me as the girl who's heart I broke, ever again. It's a valuable lesson; one you should learn. Because you can hurt, without all the bleeding and infection. Without all the crying and attention defecate disorders. Everyone body hurts. It's time to deal with you monsters.
If it makes you happy, it can't be that bad.
If it makes you happy; why are you so sad?
10:42 PM
Monogamy. It's a concept. An idea. A way.
And something I really don't believe in. That's why it doesn't hurt me to act the way I do. It's selfish of me, too, I suppose. But I see no point in trying to be with one person. I've said that before, I know I have; many times. At my age? And really, how many people get the forever they wish for. Everyone really ends up hurt in the end, don't they? Having someone to come home to, to feel like home, is nice, yes. But it's more. How can one person make you feel wanted? Like the end of the world kinda wanted? I know certain people want me. And I've used that to my advantage before, yes. But it's the want of strangers I prefer. Because they don't know me. I've always thought I could make anyone like me, if I tried hard enough. Because I change to fit, to work for people I want around. And when someone who can't remember my name wants me? It's.. a reprieve. They don't know me, and I don't have to try. It's simple. It's enjoyable. Wrong, maybe.
I love people, with all of me. I do, I have. But I still can't be faithful. I thought, I only couldn't because of distance. It's not that. I have someone right with me, whenever I want them. And still, I throw that away for one night with a stranger. Or break their trust in me with the words I use on someone else - words that belong to them. I want to be satisfied with one person. Always.
Maybe, it's because I change so much. "It's because she's a different person every time you look at her. It's like falling in love over and over." He said that. He meant it, with so much love, it almost hurt. I know I change, and bend, and waver. And I'm learning not to break. But it's difficult.
I can't say no, I know that. Maybe that's it too; just wanting to make everyone else happy. When I know I can't. But I can try, right? I'm selfish, too. Maybe that's why; I think I deserve everyone around me, so I'll take it. But it's more than that. And I want so desperately to know what it is, so I can cure it. Not that who I am is a disease.. Just so I can make the person I want happy. I could, maybe, if I could find a better way to describe monogamy and how I feel about it to the person I love.
But it's no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
I'm afraid. Afraid of the next two years of my life - of how every thing's changing. How sick I'm getting. The MRI should find out what's wrong with my head so they can fix that. But what if they can't fix it? What if I'm past saving? I still need to see my doctor when I get home; but the pain of waiting is almost as bad as the sharks teeth ripping my insides apart on a daily basis.
I've always wanted attention, maybe this is the justice I deserve; giving me a reason for people to pay attention to me. I'd give all that back, just to be okay.
Past hope, and in despair; that way past grace.
11:44 PM
Tell me all the lies,
make it so I will believe them.
Otherwise I can't breathe and the silence makes me numb.
His; I meant what I said when I said I wasn't coming back. I'll be so different. I know it. And I don't know if I'll want you when I come back. 8weeks may just get me over you. You, pushing me into this. It's not that I don't love you. I just can't call myself what you want me to.Hers; Every time, every time. I knew that once we said goodbye I'd hate you. This always happens. With everyone I've ever had. Because I can't get over my emotions fast enough, and I just want to feel wanted again. And.. I can't even name it. But it's a pure distaste and loathing. I don't want to hate you, but, I will.We're alone but we're alive.
Things change, always. With every second. We can't stop it, it's impossible. But sometimes change can be for the better, sometimes for the worse. Every thing's changing. Everyone always leaves me, I know that. And now, she's gone. It wasn't what I was expecting. Falling into her and crying, and looking up with her holding me, crying to. It meant alot to me, regardless of how much it hurt. I won't let myself lose her, not entirely.
Everything changes. I'm just sick of it changing and changing and not getting any closer to getting better.
Distancing myself more as time goes on.
5:21 PM
I do know that for the sympathy of one living being, I would make peace with all. I have love in me the likes of which you can scarcely imagine and rage the likes of which you would not believe. If I cannot satisfy the one, I will indulge the other.
Things are changing. People are leaving. People I lost a long time ago. People I pushed away. I should say things - make a mends with certain people and things. I never meant to hurt you.. or piss you off as badly as I did. Once upon a time, you meant alot to me. And I wished you to be happy. And in a bitchy moment, I judged you. I'm sorry. I'll get to saying it, I will, before it's too late.
Things will be so different next year. In so many ways. But I want, most of all to change. Back into the girl people liked. To stop thinking I'm better than people. I'm no better than anyone. I have no right to say the things I do, to do the things I do.
We only hate, what's in us. The things we don't like about ourselves. What is not us, doesn't effect us. The parts I hated the most, about someone I love. The things she does.. that I hate most. Are exactly what I do. I don't do it because I think I'm better, or selfish or whatever. But because I think I'm less, and I need someone to make me feel good enough. I don't know her cause, but I just want someone to love me in person. I'm horrible. And I'm admitting it - I want it to go away.
You will be my only wish, I'll be your last regret.
1:33 AM
I have an idea? GROW UP.
Y'know, I never write blogs like this. So blatant and everything. But this time I will, and I'm not even going to try to make it eloquent.
I'm sick to death of people saying 'it's not my fault' - Ohhh, so many people of late.
And yes, I'll admit I used to say that when I was hurting someone. But now I can see, oh too clearly, yes it was my fault.
If someone loves you, and you tell them you love them - no matter how you mean it - it's gonna fuck them up. They're gonna think they have a chance, of anything. If you don't tell them there's no chance. Be clear and don't send mixed signals. To any one involved.
I acted like the best friend hiding feelings, I took advantage, and I lied just to make them feel better. And to me, that's all you're fucking doing. So, stop, and actually acknowledge: This is your fault.
People always say; 'don't blame yourself' - sometimes, I think people need to blame themselves. Because everything anyone does, effects so much more than they can see.
Yes, you want to enjoy yourself. But when doing that hurts someone else? It's your fault. Because you could leave the situation hurting them, or tone it down abit.. Leave it, for when it won't directly hurt them. Hearing it's better than seeing it, princess.
A few weeks ago when someone told me to grow up? I was so angry.
All I've ever done for her was grow up, to try and be stronger, more mature. I'm not even 16 yet. But sometimes I think I'm too grown up.
When I do things, and it's like I'm there twice - watching what I'm doing and analysing every point in it, and there; saying all the things, doing everything. I shouldn't, and I'd really like to just live.
And I think I'm finally getting the chance. I don't need to be strong for someone else, not the way I used to. And when I'm happy, I'm so happy. And I don't have to pretend..
There's a new change I can see in myself. I'm not scared to be myself, to admit I'm geekier than most boys, that I like things I've always thought I shouldn't. To be myself. I'm not scared anymore, and I really like it.
There's so many things I need to say to certain people. And I know here isn't the right place.
I want to tell someone that means alot to me that I can be the one they run to, that I won't judge, and I can be what I always was. Or wanted to be..
I need to tell someone I'm hurting, everything. I need to explain, but I'm far too afraid I'm going to hurt them more. But, I just want her to see how much I need this. And that she can't keep blaming me; her actions were her own. And only so much of this can be my fault.
And I need to help as many people as I can. To make things right. I need to make things right..
4:16 PM
