I know she'll never see this, but I need to put it down..
I know that I was going to leave. I knew you didn't really want me to. But even when I was only leaving the school and not the state, you always suported my desision. You always said you understood. And that was awhile ago now, and things are different now. And I'll never, ever tell you the truth about this. But I don't know what I'll do when you leave. I need you know. I love you, and I don't know what I'll be without you. I don't know who I'll talk to, or laugh with, or cry on. I don't know who I'll come to for the truth.
I know leaving's what's best for you. And you need it. But I don't know if it's what you really want.. And I'll ask. But I'll never ask you to stay. I know you'll do what's best for you. And I deffiently won't be like everyone else who's telling you you're making a stupid choice. I know it's right for you, even if it's wrong for me.
I'd be so selfish of me to ask you to stay, but I wish you wouldn't leave. I know we can make it work. I don't think I could ever not talk to you again. And I don't want to grow about from you. You listen, and you're honest, and you talk to me.. But it does hurt that you're going. It hurts so much, because I don't know what I'll do when you're not there.. I'll call you my best friend, over and over. But I really don't think you truley know how much you mean to me, Je.
I'm stressing hard over everything lately.. The fact the doctor told me not to stress because I have high blood pressure. The fact I might need mega surgery. My damn school certificate I'm not prepared for.. I'm not saying I'll do badly. And I know it's only year 10 and everything. But I know I could do very well. And I know I won't, because I don't know how anymore. But once it's over and done with - that'll be one less thing to worry about.
I hope this weekend will sort some things out, too. Formal dress shopping.. I'm so worried about it. All those pety reasons and more. But once I find one, I should be okay, right? Yes, it'll be one less things to worry about. But what if I don't? I'm cutting it so short.. I'm gonna screw myself over, I can see it. And even if I do have a dress. I don't think I'll like it. And inviting Je, might have been a bad idea.. I don't want my mum to get upset over the fact she won't be the only one there.. But I don't want to annoy her. And I'm hoping with someone else there, it won't be as bad. But, I'll still make it as bad as possible for myself.. And all those reason are incredibly silly, I know that. But, it really is more than that..
But once I get a stupid dress, do my School Certificate and properly talk to a few people. I'll only be left with the one thing I need to do; decide.
It's amazing when the moment arrives when you know you'll be alright.
