You Had Me At Hello.

Close your cowardly lips over that void in your head where your brains went missing and keep them there.

I'm Erin. Galaxies have formed to collide in me.
Shakespearean. Gamer. Sci-fi geek. Girly girl. Lord Of The Rings obsessed. Twittering. Bisexual. Liar. Pixie. Walking condratiction.

"Lesbian Vampire.
So that means you suck blood not dick, right?"

You're the habbit that I can't quit.

Think of me when you're out there; I'll beg you nice from my knees.

Miles and miles escaped before us, and rest behind us. But it goes too fast. I can't see anything but you; you're so clear. My feet don't hurt, but my heart - it aches. I could have you, all to myself. Just mine. And I know you'd take me. And I can't even bring myself to ask that of you. Because I know how you deserve better, even if I'm what you say you want. You deserve better then I'll ever be for you.

And when the world treats you way too fairly, it's a shame I'm a dream.

I talked and talked as all those minutes stretched and fell from my lips and the steps taken rested behind us. And you listened. And you cried. You told me how sorry you felt for me. Usually someone saying that would have made me so angry. But you know more now, in one day, then some of the most important people to me, know from months and months of talking to me.

All I wanted was you..

You stopped me, and pushed my tears aside and held me. And you didn't care where we were. And that's what means the most. Because I wanted you to know those things, so you'd understand why I get the way I get; why I'm so horrible to you sometimes. But it's so much more than that. I wanted, I needed to tell you. Because I needed to tell someone and I wanted that someone to be you. I didn't mean to say as much as I did, but I could seem to stop. The words spilled and spilled, and you caught and held every single one of them.

I could follow you to the beginning and just relive the start.

Even though all those things I told you still hurt, they're healing. And I know if I ever need someone like that again; I can run to you. And you'll catch me. All the things I've been too scared to tell anyone. All the things I've only told a few people. The things I've only told one. You know. And the one thing I was terrified you'd run from. You just held my hand tighter - you didn't run. And you understood.

And maybe then we'll remember to slow down, to all of our favorite parts.

I won't ever, ever forget what happened today. How much you cared. How much I told you. And the best thing is: I don't care that you know. I know you won't hold any of it against me. It means more to me, and I'm more thankful than you will ever know. Because I'll never let you know how much I really do need you.

All I wanted was you..

12:46 AM

Whatever happens, it will be on me. On my heart.

Things have been really good lately, and for that; I hate myself.

For all the things I've said, all those things I've done - I don't deserve this. And I don't deserve the people that love me.

Last night, I cried over someone I thought I'd have for a very long time.
I treated her horribly, I know that. But, I can't seem to forget.
"I thought you said you weren't going to be the one to say sorry this time." And no, I won't be the one to say sorry. Because I know this is just where we will end up, all over again.
"But you can't stay for someone who treats you like that." And just as I said then, I'll say again: I don't care how horribly she treats me, maybe, she's just the punishment for how horrible I am to everyone. She's the one I can't let go. Or to wonder what if over. And yes, she was horrible to me; she contradicted what she said to me, with the way she treated me. But, I can't say I didn't do that. And she hurt me. But it wasn't my fault for the way I was hurting her.
And now, I'm just praying she's okay, and that she's over it.
I know you hated it, and that it bugged you; but I kept your things for a reason. Not because I was lazy.. But because I knew, as long as I had them - you had to come back to claim them. But I don't think that's going to work this time, and now I just have to figure out how to get them back to you..

I can't be bothered writing anymore, I'm too tired of everything.
But I will say this; Angels and Airwaves - you may just about save my life this time through..

And if I could, I would plunge my fingers through my chest and rip out my heart and give it to you.

12:07 AM

I swear and swear yet it turns to complementic and gentle words to you.

You never know how much I love you for that.

I know I lie, and I know I'm good at it. But there's only a certain amount of lying one person can do to another, regardless of the situation.
And this, dear, is one hell of a situation;
The only boy, I've ever been able to tell everything to. To cry in front of. The only person who can pull me out of panic attacks - the boy who carried me out of my first concert because I couldn't stand. Someone who told me the truth, even when he knew it hurt. The boy who sat next to me when no one else would, regardless of what people thought.
The boy my best friend fell in love with.
I can't blame her. But when the only reason she started liking him was because I pointed out how brilliant he could be. And I let her do the things she did to him, because, she was my friend. But when 'I love you' only lasted a few weeks. Who was there to pick up the pieces? I was.
The pieces of the heart of the boy I loved my best friend broke.
But when she decided she didn't hate him anymore, and he went crazy about her all over and told her the things I'd said. Who gritted their teeth, and waited for the next storm to pass over his emotions? I did.
And eventually, he came back to me; piece by broken piece. Until she decided she hated him again and told him that the awful things she'd said about him came from my mouth. But I left it - better that I hurt him than she.
And eventually he'd forgive the things 'I' did. And she'd flirt, and he'd fall. And I'd catch. Until she didn't want his attention anymore. And I'd have to ask him to leave her alone.
I took the hatred for the things she did to you, because I was the honest one.
But who's the only one who hasn't called you crazy? Who's the one you admittedly run to about things to do with her? Who's the run who rides that temper you so barley control? Who never yells, who says she loves you; even when you deserve the opposite. I am.
And I had to listen, as you held the tears back over the girl you so foolishly desire. When I know the truth. She doesn't love you. She told me. She never did. But she doesn't want to let you go, because she knows I'm the one you breaks your fall. And she's jealous.
Just think of the look she gave me when I took your hand to dance..
I'm not in love with you anymore. And you always chose her over me. But I can't do it. I know everything about both of you. And I know you deserve better. And I don't know how to tell you, but I love you. And I'm here, and always will be for you.
Let her go - I promise I'll hold the empty hands that ache for her with constant understanding and never ask for anything other than a smile.
I can't bare the hurt in your voice. I'm your friend, and for so long; you were all I had.
But, I know the truth; and she says she'll tell you it, soon. And I know how much that's going to hurt. And I wish.. I hope.. I need you to come to me, because I could have helped this. I need to be the one to make it easier.

I've never been too good with secrets.

5:01 AM

Hopeless and helpless,

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Your life isn't as bad as you make it out to be - nothing is.
You're a little drama queen and I'm really getting sick of it.
I don't get pessimism, and I don't get how anyone can hate their life so much that they find any excuse they can find to blame all the things they find 'wrong' in their life, on.
If you don't like something then change it. And if you can't change it - stand it.
Stop acting like a child and act your age.

"I like that, the patient telling the doctor it's all right. It has to hurt if it's to heal."

4:58 PM

I was just another promise, that you couldn't keep.

How am I suposed to know what you want.
What you feel.
What you need.
When you won't tell me?!
This isn't a game.
I play games, and you haven't triped me into anything.
I choose to feel this way.
So stop being so closed up.
So.. Hard to read. I'm not used to it - and I don't like it.
TALK TO ME.

11:56 PM

Never means forever.

I know she'll never see this, but I need to put it down..
I know that I was going to leave. I knew you didn't really want me to. But even when I was only leaving the school and not the state, you always suported my desision. You always said you understood. And that was awhile ago now, and things are different now. And I'll never, ever tell you the truth about this. But I don't know what I'll do when you leave. I need you know. I love you, and I don't know what I'll be without you. I don't know who I'll talk to, or laugh with, or cry on. I don't know who I'll come to for the truth.
I know leaving's what's best for you. And you need it. But I don't know if it's what you really want.. And I'll ask. But I'll never ask you to stay. I know you'll do what's best for you. And I deffiently won't be like everyone else who's telling you you're making a stupid choice. I know it's right for you, even if it's wrong for me.
I'd be so selfish of me to ask you to stay, but I wish you wouldn't leave. I know we can make it work. I don't think I could ever not talk to you again. And I don't want to grow about from you. You listen, and you're honest, and you talk to me.. But it does hurt that you're going. It hurts so much, because I don't know what I'll do when you're not there.. I'll call you my best friend, over and over. But I really don't think you truley know how much you mean to me, Je.

I'm stressing hard over everything lately.. The fact the doctor told me not to stress because I have high blood pressure. The fact I might need mega surgery. My damn school certificate I'm not prepared for.. I'm not saying I'll do badly. And I know it's only year 10 and everything. But I know I could do very well. And I know I won't, because I don't know how anymore. But once it's over and done with - that'll be one less thing to worry about.
I hope this weekend will sort some things out, too. Formal dress shopping.. I'm so worried about it. All those pety reasons and more. But once I find one, I should be okay, right? Yes, it'll be one less things to worry about. But what if I don't? I'm cutting it so short.. I'm gonna screw myself over, I can see it. And even if I do have a dress. I don't think I'll like it. And inviting Je, might have been a bad idea.. I don't want my mum to get upset over the fact she won't be the only one there.. But I don't want to annoy her. And I'm hoping with someone else there, it won't be as bad. But, I'll still make it as bad as possible for myself.. And all those reason are incredibly silly, I know that. But, it really is more than that..
But once I get a stupid dress, do my School Certificate and properly talk to a few people. I'll only be left with the one thing I need to do; decide.

It's amazing when the moment arrives when you know you'll be alright.

11:15 PM

Everything Has A Price.

Do you ever feel like you know something? Know someone. Like the lyrics to a song you swear you've never heard. The every feature of someone you've never seen. And then, there it is. All the words floating from your lips like you play that song every day; the love for someone you don't know.
That's the point here: you can't love someone you don't know.
So stop fucking loving me.
And now I'm here, I can't for the life of me remember what I was going to write. I wanted to write so many things. And I still have a blog in the center of my Science book. But alas; I have too much I need to get off my chest than to sit and think. So, here goes nothing.

I'm seriously starting to believe the whole writing blog thing is becoming a bad addiction. But that's what I'm like I suppose. I need an obsession, I need to have something I want; An addiction. They help. Boy, I sound like a drug addict..
But they give me something to get my mind of everything and they make me want to do something. Sometimes it's a song - a band. Others, a person - a place. A place in time. Anything I can get fixated on. And writing is one of the things that'll do this for me. It's terribly sad, I'm well aware of that. But when I write them, I can only think of the next word I'm going to type. Sure, sometimes I'll race ahead. I'll go through what I want to say after I finish what I'm saying now. And that hurts sometimes.. But I get back to concentrating on the here and now - and that helps. And as I type those words; the problems. The things eating at my soul: they get ripped off. And as I finish that topic, they cauterise and stop hurting so much. Sure, sometimes they'll get infected and start to hurt and swell up again. But at that moment I say what I really want to with nothing holding me back? I feel closer to okay than I would have the whole time everything that I write was going on.
It's not just blogs, either. Writing stories, fanfiction, anything. It all gets my mind off everything. Because in everything I write I leave a little part of myself. And a bit of hope, that the endings to those stories - the good and the bad - will work out, and in life, everything else too will work out. And my problems fall into those stories in a hidden way. The angel trapped in hell? Me. Yes. I'm no angel, I know that. But she was someone; someone who meant somethings to someone but she did something bad, something someone didn't like and they imprisoned her in her worst nightmare - in her complete opposite.
They ripped out her grace. The thing that made her what she was, without that, she can't be what she was before. And maybe she'll prefer that, like it better. But where they've put her? She'll never get to see that same things in a different way. She'll see that things she hates, through eyes missing what made them hers.
The story about the angel's my short story for English. It doesn't mean anything. And yet, I put so much of myself in it. It'll be the death of me, I know.
But I put a part of myself in everything I do. Wanna know a secret? To know me, to know the things I won't say - ask. Or read further into everything. I read far too much into everything else.
So I keep myself hidden in plain site.

Concentrating on the here and now.. That stuff? It only applies to writing. In real life? I don't do that so much. I don't exactly concentrate on anything. Maybe the future. That the things that suck now, won't suck in the future.. Maybe not even tomorrow. And sometimes that'll screw me up. Like when I wake up and it feels like I've been watching everything happen. And parts are missing - but I know they've happened. When weeks will only feel like days. And than they fade to feeling like only a few hours. When I go numb. That's worse than anything. Not being able to cry. And numb, isn't quite the word. It's almost like I've gotten so angry - it could be sad, but more often than not lately, it'll be angry - and it's eaten every other emotion and than caved in on it's self.
Or when I'm angry - I can't stand it. I wanna hit things, hurt people. Angry, is really only when the sadistic side of me and the masochistic side pollute each other, and than me.
As God damn emo of me it sounds. I think sadness is my favourite emotion. When I can actually cry. That's when I can think properly.
Every emotion is just a state of mind, really. But they all have different effects on a person they posses and thus; the people around that person. But happiness? It makes me.. Not myself. I like it, yes. But that's not me. It makes me only care about me. I become inconsiderate and so I can hurt people. Because I'd do anything to not have that fragile, fragile self destructed inside me. Anything to keep it going. So I stay away from anyone that I think could break it; anything. So they get hurt because I won't talk to them. Or whatever. But with sad - I'll do anything for anyone. Be anything for anyone. Be anyone for anything. And that's what I like. I like being liked, being needed.
I almost can't stand when I don't feel either. Or when I know someone doesn't like me. I can't be around them. Especially if they lie and pretend they do. I understand, completely if I've done something to them. I know I'm not easy to like and things, but I don't do things to intentionally hurt people. Well, at least not to people I know doings things like that would make hate me.
I don't like liars, but I lie. I'd much rather like if I had things said to my face. Or in any manner like that. I think.

That's why all this is getting to me so much. Because I did nothing to a boy that hates me enough to ditch his best friend. That hates me enough to hate my best friend. Who hates me enough to say the kind of things about me I wouldn't say to anyone. And all of it, and I still don't know what I ever, ever did to him. It hurt, the things he said. But I think I'm letting it get to me so much, because I agree. And for one; I hate that I agree with someone who thinks so lowly of me. And two; it hurts that I've had verified how lowly I really do think of myself.
And yes, I know; Thinking that way about myself gives everyone else on the planet permission to do the same. But my self esteems really been taking a beating lately. And I can't, can't do it anymore. I just, not strong enough.

And on the case of the bitchy ex? You mean nothing to me, you never did. I never liked you, nor did I love you. But you think you get me. I was yours. Well, when I needed you, you were no where to be found. One sided friendships are far from what I want, miss. And when you treat someone the way you treat me? Like you're my fault? The things you feel are my fault? Of course I'm going to want to leave. And for too long I wasn't able to be alone like I though I would without you. For too long I couldn't bring myself to do that to you. But you've made your bed - now sleep with her. You've been replaced. Don't ever come crawling back. Because you'll never understand what you've put me through. Not when you're looking at everything from behind those nice, little, 'look at me' shades you've been sporting your whole life. I know that I'll never tell you what they've said about you, or what I truly think of you. Just know, I don't want you back this time. I'm good at what I do. And in my theories, you fall for every lie.

I'm and epic believer in no one's problems are worse than anyone else's, as I've said before. And I'm not asking for anyone to care about my problems; just that they be there when everything gets too much. And I'm not asking for a change - I need to change the things I can't stand, myself. I just needed to say. I just..

Take your time to find me - I can't promise where I'll be.

1:23 AM

Facebook. Twitter. Myspace. Bebo. Buzznet.

February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010

How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?
There are somethings that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

I read, play video games and break hearts for fun. I'm obsessed with not caring what people think, only further proving I care.
I'm sadistic, masochistic and one of the nicest people you'll ever meet when I want to be.
I can't sing, I can't dance, and I don't know karate.
One night with me, and you'll be questioning your sexuality.
I adore Audrey Hepburn and black and white movies.
Shakespeare, Hemingway, Motzart, Beethoven and Frodo.
My sword isn't the only thing that could penetrate your flesh.

Casablanca sucked anyway.

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