"Do you know what it's like to not care anymore? It's like already being dead. "
For awhile now, I believed the lie. Believed all those fairy tales drugging me, making me believe. I had reasons too.. I had hope to. I had a cause behind my belief. There's reasons, and there's no time for reasons. Excuses to get hurt - that's all they are. But I'm beginning to fall short of the lies, to lift the veil. I'm starting to believe everything everyone I never thought mattered has said. It's been awhile now, that I haven't felt apart of everyone. Haven't felt good enough. I don't think they want me around. They'd survive without me, I know. Everyone would. But I like to think just a little that at least one of them would miss me, and now; I'm not so sure that they would.
I always knew I wasn't good enough. But even when I know that the most and feel it the most I still don't like having it shoved in my face. It still hurts. Like ripping band aids of sores. It didn't hurt so much until you disturbed it.
I know I'm annoying. I really do. I talk to much - I talk about nothing to much. I complain, and I'm bitchy and rude and everything I hate. And for that - I'm sorry. I'm sorry I changed, again; for the worse. But I just want to feel needed, just once more..
All this formal stuff, is hurting me. I don't want to go. But I want to - more than anything. I know I'll regret it if I don't. I have my date back - the one I wanted in the first place - and I know I'll be with people I love. But I'm scared they don't love me back. And I know I wont look as good as they do. I saw my best friends dress today, and I wanted to cry. It's so beautiful - and she'll look so beautiful in it. And her date adores the way it looks. But I know, I'll look horrid. I'll hate it. And I won't be able to enjoy myself because of it. Just once - I'd like to like the way I look. To feel okay. Sometimes I do feel good enough. Like when the boy I spent a year in love with looks and me and smiles - will hold my eyes before I giggle and turn red. When my friends make me feel like they do need me like I need them. When I'm worth something - can do something right. When I know someone loves me. That's what makes me feel worth it. When I know they love me. Because you don't love someone who's not good enough. Even when they're treating you the wrong way, or when everyone else hates them. If they were yours they would be good enough; for you they are good enough.I'm changing, I'm becoming so different
. I always change little by little, and I usually don't notice it until it's past. But I can feel it coming this time and I'm so terrified to find out what it is. I feel like I could be okay without alot
of people I thought I never ever could be. And I don't know if that's a good thing, or not. But I think some of the changes I can feel in myself already, are okay. That they'll make me someone I can finally like. I hope they are. I want to like myself. It'd be a very different feeling.Please believe in what I say 'cause I'm running out of ways to convey this lack of faith in myself.
