You Had Me At Hello.

Close your cowardly lips over that void in your head where your brains went missing and keep them there.

I'm Erin. Galaxies have formed to collide in me.
Shakespearean. Gamer. Sci-fi geek. Girly girl. Lord Of The Rings obsessed. Twittering. Bisexual. Liar. Pixie. Walking condratiction.

"Lesbian Vampire.
So that means you suck blood not dick, right?"

The good kind of dependency.

"Do you know what it's like to not care anymore? It's like already being dead. "

For awhile now, I believed the lie. Believed all those fairy tales drugging me, making me believe. I had reasons too.. I had hope to. I had a cause behind my belief. There's reasons, and there's no time for reasons. Excuses to get hurt - that's all they are. But I'm beginning to fall short of the lies, to lift the veil. I'm starting to believe everything everyone I never thought mattered has said. It's been awhile now, that I haven't felt apart of everyone. Haven't felt good enough. I don't think they want me around. They'd survive without me, I know. Everyone would. But I like to think just a little that at least one of them would miss me, and now; I'm not so sure that they would.
I always knew I wasn't good enough. But even when I know that the most and feel it the most I still don't like having it shoved in my face. It still hurts. Like ripping band aids of sores. It didn't hurt so much until you disturbed it.
I know I'm annoying. I really do. I talk to much - I talk about nothing to much. I complain, and I'm bitchy and rude and everything I hate. And for that - I'm sorry. I'm sorry I changed, again; for the worse. But I just want to feel needed, just once more..

All this formal stuff, is hurting me. I don't want to go. But I want to - more than anything. I know I'll regret it if I don't. I have my date back - the one I wanted in the first place - and I know I'll be with people I love. But I'm scared they don't love me back. And I know I wont look as good as they do. I saw my best friends dress today, and I wanted to cry. It's so beautiful - and she'll look so beautiful in it. And her date adores the way it looks. But I know, I'll look horrid. I'll hate it. And I won't be able to enjoy myself because of it. Just once - I'd like to like the way I look. To feel okay.
Sometimes I do feel good enough. Like when the boy I spent a year in love with looks and me and smiles - will hold my eyes before I giggle and turn red. When my friends make me feel like they do need me like I need them. When I'm worth something - can do something right. When I know someone loves me. That's what makes me feel worth it. When I know they love me. Because you don't love someone who's not good enough. Even when they're treating you the wrong way, or when everyone else hates them. If they were yours they would be good enough; for you they are good enough.

I'm changing, I'm becoming so different. I always change little by little, and I usually don't notice it until it's past. But I can feel it coming this time and I'm so terrified to find out what it is. I feel like I could be okay without alot of people I thought I never ever could be. And I don't know if that's a good thing, or not. But I think some of the changes I can feel in myself already, are okay. That they'll make me someone I can finally like. I hope they are. I want to like myself. It'd be a very different feeling.

Please believe in what I say 'cause I'm running out of ways to convey this lack of faith in myself.

1:37 AM

The stroke of death is as a lover's pinch,

You've told me you read what I write here.
I hope you'll see this, this time. Because I can't talk to you anywhere else; you don't listen.
Well that's what it seems like..
You don't say anything back. You don't show interest.. Well, here goes:
You tell me you care. You tell me you love me. All those things. But you leave. You lie and you leave out things you know I'll find out about.
Please just tell me where I stand? I miss you. I like having you. You make me happy.. Well, you did.
Tell me if you see this.
Let me fix whatever broke or fell away. I'll say sorry, I'll do whatever I need to do to get you back to caring.
Back to when I meant something to you. You helped, alot. I liked listening to you.

'Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It's not.'

3:12 AM

Stop living like a tragedy.

It's selfish, that's what this is.
If you cared you'd know I need this; need you. Need anyone.
You'd know I woke up screaming. And I'm actually in physical pain from this hurt.
But you wouldn't care, would you? No.
Because when all this started, it was you egging me on. Pretending it didn't matter. And maybe that wasn't even pretending. Maybe you meant it. I bet you meant it. Because you didn't care enough to see the other aspects. Because when it was you, you were too selfish to see how it hurt me, too. And this time around, you left. Twice.
I can't stay awake without crying. And the refuge of sleep doesn't help.
I care more about you then I fucking should. And now look at what you're doing.
The one time I need you. All the times I've come to be your refuge, given you an escape, mustn't matter. Do they?
Because this is the time a friend would be there. Would listen. Would care.
But you never do. And you're becoming like everyone you've left me for.
I needed something. I needed this weekend. I'd been looking forward to it. And I know it's cruel of me to blame you. But if you were my friend - if you did care - you'd be here, anyway you could. Like I try to do for you. And if I ever fail you like you've failed me, please let me know. Because I'd rather die than do this to you.

And if you love me, why don't you feel it when I fall?

7:44 PM

My head's on stand-by, but my chest's switched on.

In my head, I replay our conversations; over and over until they feel like halucinations.
You know me - I love to lose my mind.

Nothing's left.

3:28 AM

Facebook. Twitter. Myspace. Bebo. Buzznet.

February 2009 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 August 2009 September 2009 October 2009 November 2009 December 2009 January 2010

How do you pick up the threads of an old life?
How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?
There are somethings that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold.

I read, play video games and break hearts for fun. I'm obsessed with not caring what people think, only further proving I care.
I'm sadistic, masochistic and one of the nicest people you'll ever meet when I want to be.
I can't sing, I can't dance, and I don't know karate.
One night with me, and you'll be questioning your sexuality.
I adore Audrey Hepburn and black and white movies.
Shakespeare, Hemingway, Motzart, Beethoven and Frodo.
My sword isn't the only thing that could penetrate your flesh.

Casablanca sucked anyway.

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