You Had Me At Hello.

You haunt me baby, you haunt me here tonight.

“When hearts hang on the line, and the deeper the darkness passes, let the memories count the miles, and never be forgotten.”

I like silence. And far away dreams.
I like loud. And the smiles of today.
I adore birds. And taking flight.
I adore flying away.
And I'm afraid of heights.

I love sunsets. And sunrises.
The smell of a new day - the 'everything's okay' feeling when I first open my eyes.
I love falling. And failing.
I idolise excuses. And lying.
I idolise the truth and those who tell it.
And I can't to save my life.

I heard it once, I'm sure I heard it twice.

I so remember I had something to write about. I think it was interesting? But I can't remember it, for the life of me. So instead we have a stupid blog that doesn't make sense and takes me several goes to complete.
Fail blogging.

So, I'm thinking, maybe I should write a proper blog.
The kind that tells people about yourself, and what you've been doing. And your thoughts on things. So I'm going to do just that. Or try as well I can. Nothing ever turns out right anyways.

I named this blog, added the song and picture and quotes to this blog, when I knew what the blog was going to be about. Now, they probably have no realation to anything, except that I enjoy them. And everyone thinks differently. So, they might relate to this blog, better then they would have the old. They realate to things I think; so they should relate to this blog. Right?

I have a new love; Adam Brand.
He can dance. And his songs are amazing.
All of them. They cheer me right up. And then the sad songs put me in an upset mood. But I'm still happy, because they're that amazing.

Holidays; Were amazing.
I always loved Tamworth. It's so beautiful. So quite. So me. And it has the things I like the most. The people I like most. And it has her.
I still don't know if I'm leaving for her but, even if I am, is that so bad?
The school would be better. And I would have friends. And the family I love.
I'd be helping my uncle. And I'd have her. And she makes me happy.
I'd miss everyone here alot. But I miss them when I'm here, even.
Because I know how perfect for me they could be. But there's something, something small and invisible, blocking them from completing me. Like I'm watching them through glass.
I can see everything, but it's just out of reach.
And I'd come back - we all know I'd come back.
I think I need this. To take this risk. And see if everything I think I want, is actually what I need. This could be good for me. New heart wounds. Atleast these ones would be clean, I know that much.

I should be flying - on the ocean.
I should be sailing, across the sky.
But I'm here dying on the inside.
Still here waiting; I'm waiting on sunshine.

People are always meant to miss something.
Without longing, we can't be happy for what we have.
Some people long for simple things; new air, a good nights sleep. The weekend.
And others the stronger type: love. Or their love.
I miss too much. I've missed to much, for far too long. I used to long for something new. Something that wouldn't break. Even when I had everything. But I was selfish, and I lost that. Now I long for those times. I'd never want to go back to that - but I miss it.
I miss the people in those memories. But I do like it here, well enough. And now I'm longing for people that mean more; places that fill my heart more. And memories that won't break my heart.
But I'd miss here. Those memories would hurt. No matter how many take their place. They'll stil hurt.
And maybe there, I'd be busy enough to keep my mind off things. And I'd have every holiday here. And every other second weekend.
I don't know if it's right. But somethings have to be so wrong they're right.
Right?

Even Angels, need Angels - sometimes.

You make sense to me.

1:39 AM

Don't tell me how to feel, like you always do.

Are you okay?
Yes.
You don't seem happy..
I'm not.

You come across as fragile;
Take all your assumptions and make all your moves
'cause we know that you're leaving.

It should be easy. Should be simple. Should be everything I'm not.
But it's not. And it never will be. Not like it was. No, not like it was. Never again. When running away meant giving up. And giving up was never all that bad.
When I tried, when I was smart. When people loved me the right way.
People are so stupid. Me? Stupid, awkward, clumsy, ignorant - arrogant. Me. The me that falls, and forgets and cares too much. And stutters. And looks the way I look. There's nothing that should be loved. Nothing special. Nothing extraordinary. I'm not good at anything; nothing fancy to look at. But there they are. The people who think they love me. Are in love with me. It's so stupid. And now I feel terrible. She knows me. She's allowed to love me. She has me. She's mine.
And now he's asking me to leave her.
Because he's better for me. Loves me more.
..Doesn't even fucking know me.
I'm sick of it.
Maybe; I'm over reacting. No one could love me, right? Well even if that's true. It still hurts to think I make people feel the way I used to have to feel.
I want to go back to being hated so much, that when I was loved, it was strong enough; the right way - to make up for it.
But instead I'm stuck with the guilt. And the fact that I should feel flattered. But I only feel worse. Because I'm not good enough.

And we tried so hard to show you we care but nothing seemed to break through, to you.

I lied.
I do want someone to try and stop me.
Anyone.
The fact I didn't get the same hello that I used to broke my heart today.
I just wish I was needed, like everyone else. I want someone to try make me okay, just once. Go out of their way for me. Everyone else has someone. But if anyone else left, something would be missing. If I left, I don't think it'd make a difference. Not really. The only person I had that tried to make me feel better - doesn't really care. Fair enough. I was horrible. But I think you're being selfish. You're the only person I know who lets there own feelings dilute how much they care about someone else.
Maybe I just want an encourage meant. A blessing. A wish that I'll be okay; no matter where I am. And that someone'll miss me.

Can I have your time, to tell you about my strengths.
I can help you if you'd like.

But I'll still leave. Even if I'm still here. Nothing will be the same again. No matter how much I wish I was gone. And maybe one day I'll find a way to be gone.
But not yet. Not yet.

Some times we need someone
to hold out their hands and lift us back up.

12:33 AM

So burn the carnivals down in our minds.

And I'd be ever so inclined one day to rain on her parade.

Life's one big trip.

Trip in the general meaning of it's term. In any meaning of it's term.

Sometimes the lines blur and we see things we swear aren't real - we take the drug trip.

Sometimes we take the trip. We step aboard that roller coaster in the sky and we travel, we learn and fall - we trip and stumble.

It's all adventures. Just like consequences; adventures aren't always good or bad. Sometimes they're both.

You just need to strap in and hold on. Hold on for dear life. Because you can't let go; you can't.

You can't look to the past. The past hurts, and you can't look forward because the future's too terrifying. And you can't dwell on today; because sometimes today hurts worse then anything. And today will just be another yesterday to hurt over; no matter how good it feels now. So where do you look, when you have nothing to look up to?

I look inside myself. It's awful, and I hate it. It's cold and warm and safe. I sit in the darkest corner. The one that chills my bones and warms my skin. The patch where the dust can't quite settle to the ground; because that's where I'm located. But it's dusty and there's cobwebs.

My adventures.

They fill the spaces. And some turn black and burn me when I try to feel them. Others break inside my chest and rip it apart. Some scare me - some comfort me. But that's me.

Nostalgia knows her name.

I hurt people. And plays the stupid little head games. The person that can do whatever she wants, and feel bad for it, and keep doing it. The me that thinks she knows everything. And knows she knows nothing. The me that loves enough to hurt. Not only herself, but everyone else. The me that lets go too easily sometimes, and then won't let go at all.

But then there's the times where I let go, but let invisible wires attach themselves to my heart. Invisible wires that cut and bruise but when I go to find them to cut them off - I can't see them. So then when I stumble upon them, I'm holding on tighter then ever to something I can't see. And that's when I hurt people. When I've made them think I've let go - when really it's still attached to my heart. Something that I don't know what I'm holding on to. And as I search for where it's come from I pull at everyone it effects without even knowing. I'm sorry for the things I do it to - I truly am. Even when I don't know I'm doing it.

But I'll take my seat on the roller coaster and strap myself in. 'Buy the ticket; take the ride.'

The adventures hurt but it's life. And that's all we've got. Nightmares and heartache. Life.

But alive is just a letter without life.

I've made up my mind.. I'm leaving. Please don't try and stop me. It'll hurt when you don't try - and make me feel like you don't want me there. But I need this. I need to run again. I need a reason not to love all the people that love me the way they do; especially when I don't deserve it. And I like it here. It won't be home for long, but it'll keep me gone from home long enough. And I can do this. I ruin everything, and this won't fix that. It'll break it more. But when I'm not there to show the broken pieces - it'll feel healed.

Two tiny worlds brace for our collisions.

And she swept me right of my feet.

12:33 AM

My heart beats me senseless.

"Let's just be friends.. Ok?"
"We say that, don't we?"

Moods are silly little rabbits, aren't they? And we're all just stuck in wonderland. Chasing them down holes. We never really catch a mood, do we? Because if we did.. well. That'd just be us, always, wouldn't it? It'd eat us alive. That's why we chase, we'll never catch; but we have to look. When we catch a bad rabbit, we can't hold onto it. We need to chase, to find the brighter ones. If we just gave up, well we'd be stuck wouldn't we? Bored. Senselessly bored. We cry until we almost drown.. But we don't that, don't we? Cry ourselves out, until we can only swim away from the bad. And we can't stuck in places too, don't we? You just have to wait it out. We can't let things get to us. And sometimes, they're just bad dreams. But even bad dreams have their little perks. We learn from them. Learn not to be afraid. But I can't help but be afraid. And I am. Terribly, I am. I don't know why, and quite really, I shouldn't be. But I can't face losing anyone, not again. So I'm holding on. And I don't want to hold on to tightly. I don't want to burst my balloon before I can let it go.

I'm a terrible little emo kid, aren't I? I'm always sad. Sometimes I get that sad, I can't even cry. But I'm not sad now. And I don't plan to be until I come home after the holidays. That's when we'll get our little emo kid back. I hate coming home. I always have. Just for the fact it's home. But now, I have a reason to hate it. I hate this place. No one's here. No one I need. But, once I learn to live again, things'll be okay. I really don't like running though. And if I leave next year. That's what I'll be doing. Running. But you can only run so far, for so long. And I'll face things, eventually. But sometimes, you can't fix what's broken, you can only try and use the broken pieces to fix other things. And I guess that's a good idea. Use the pieces of something that healed me, to fix everything else. One day, I'll stop running. One day.

Letting go can be painful, yet pretending that everything's okay makes it even worse

I'm tired. Tired of pretending like I'm okay. Sometimes, I feel okay. Like every one's holding me together. Sometimes it's just fake, or it's real; I can still just feel it.
Like a bruise beneath a band aid. You can't see it, and you can't really feel it, unless you hurt it. But you know it's there. You can feel it's real, and you want it gone.
But I just want to be gone. Sometimes, that's what I wish. That I could just pick up my things and walk away. As far away as I could get. I don't think anyone would come for me. Try find me. I really don't. But I think I'm okay with that. Maybe I'm not. But I will be.
I'm tired of being afraid. I'm afraid of alot. And I'm tired of wondering. There's always what ifs. Always. And no matter how many band aids I put over them. I still know they're there. But that's okay, because I have my answer. It's not a what if. But it's an answer, a cure to the bruises. My band aid. And no one ever said love was easy. But loving her? Loving her is easier then breathing.
But I'll always have what ifs. No matter what.

"I'm better. Totally better."

6:55 AM