You Had Me At Hello.

Buy the ticket, take the ride.

I don't get it. Not that I usually get much. But this, this is hard.

I swear I picked the wrong religion, really, I did. Not only does my God hate me because of my sexuality. But I've always been one for putting my faith in things. That's all I've ever needed, something to have faith in. Just to believe. I don't know what to believe anymore. I complain beyond belief and if Sarah wasn't so nice, I really wouldn't have anyone. I've always had someone, even when I had no friends. There was always someone. I think I'm pushing everyone away, slowly. It hurts. I don't want to be here, but this is exactly what I asked for, isn't it; friends like this, a place like this. Why doesn't it feel like home? Because I left home. I wouldn't except it. I hated it. It was perfect. It was everything I was. I still can't stop smiling when I see the ocean. Pictures of it make my heart ache. Make me remember. Everyday, I remember something else, something I chose to forget. The way Brooke held my hand in public, even when she knew I hated it. The Jasmine called me stupid and teased me. The way Renee laughed at whatever I said, and she cared. And listened and told me when I was doing something stupid, something wrong. But she was still right there beside me.

You drive. You drive. I think there's something wrong with me.

I want someone to never give up on me. But everyone will, eventually. Amy says she won't. But she will, I'm pushing her away, too. I can't bare it anymore. Missing her. I have to miss everyone. I don't want to miss her. I miss memories, too.

Perhaps, if I explained things, he'd rest easy.

How much fun I used to have doing things I hate. The memory of people that cared. My best friend. She hates me now. I deserve it. I don't even think I can stand her anymore. The games I play, I know I do it. I can't bare to let you win. Let you get to me. I could have been so happy with her. I was in love with her. I really, really was. I still am, in a way. But I didn't love her the way she loved me. I didn't deserve the way she loved me. But she made me so happy, every second I was with her. Danni, I'm sorry. I'd never say it to your face, or admit it out loud, but you made my day, so many weeks. I needed you. But I can't need you anymore. And you don't want me anymore.

I hate to say this, but this place is getting to me. I think I'm getting the Fear.

I've said goodbye, more times then I can count. To more people then I can name. But some hurt, so much more then others. And yet again, I'm willing to give up everything and start again because what I need isn't here. I need my family. My real family. I need to be loved, out loud, for the first time in a year and a half. And I need someone to hold me like their life depends on it. Every day. I need people around me. Even the hugs I get at school keep me going. And I don't know why. Because that's not who I used to be. And I miss who I used to be. I miss it so much. I thought my life was terrible. But I had people my life revolved around. I was stupid, but I was me. And I was a child. I don't want to be grown up. Being grown up hurts. And I can't do it alone, and I am. I sound pathetic, are crash tragic. But I can't help it. When you lose what your world revolves around it hurts to put it back up, and I need to find an axis for my world to spin on. Because it needs to spin on my heart, and I can't find that anymore.

Give us your brain for two hours and you will never be the same again.

I cried more writing this, then I have since Amy went home; and more then I've ever cried writing a blog. But, I should have been a Buddhist. Life is eternal suffering. And once you realise that, you can be happy. I've realised and it used to help me be happy. But I need something new to put my faith in. I can't see the stars, and they used to keep me grounded, the moon's the wrong colour, and I don't have the ocean. I suppose the best part of this is; I can clean the blotches off my glasses, and see clearly again. I hope it clears my head, I need to be able to think again. And I'd very much like my heart back.

You better take care of me, Lord. If you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

5:31 AM

You are my breath, my life, my heart.

It's like a balloon. It goes up, and up, and up. But eventually, it has to burst. Has to stop.

Pain's the same. No matter how many new balloons you get. How many you pop. It always dies, goes away. But you still manage to get out a new one. Some situations, are just like this.
I never meant to hurt her.. I blamed her, because I was hurt. And it rose, and got worse. It flew so high, it forgot how to breathe, and strangled me. But after clearing the ribbon from my neck, I let the balloon go. And it flew, and burst.
I still have a new balloon, another one. But this one, I'm keeping hold of.
This pain is different. Necessary. And one day, when things are right. I'll let it go, and pray to God it doesn't strangle me. Because this pain, I almost want. This pain just proves how much I love her. My everything. I'm holding this balloon as tightly as I can, because when I can't breathe, she can't let go.

I hope you're as happy, as you're pretending.

Sometimes, it's better to let go of balloons, and not get a new one.
Just let go.
After awhile, the fascination wears off, and it almost hurts to lose another.
But, if you don't want me. I'm not going to make an effort to need you. Because, you where so close to everything. You were what I needed to feel better, you listened, and didn't care how much of an idiot I was. But this is your decision, it hurt to ask you to take me back. You don't want me? Fair enough. I can't take back the things I said. I don't need you, either. She's my only everything now, which is how it should be. So, thank you. You helped me realise the things I should have known from the start. Priorities.

But if my heart says I'm sorry - can we leave it at that?

1:58 AM

Just Surrender.

I keep thinking that there's something I'm supposed to do.
I keep searching but I'll never measure up for you.
I hate the way that you always have something to say.
Yeah, I can bend but I won't break for what you willingly give..

Maybe I'm not meant to be all the things you want from me.
Isn't it enough just believe what we've got is enough?
Maybe I'm not meant to be tired of all the dreams your dreaming.
I can slowly feel you changing me into something I'm not.

I'm getting tired of you playing me like a fool,
I thought I'd land in the skies when I hated you.
I find myself coming up short every time.
If you cant see me standing here, love, then you're blind.

Open your eyes.

I feel the pressure in my life i feel you closing in on me,
I feel you closing in on me.

2:19 AM

Be my friend; hold me.

You don't tell me either; I suppose fair is fair.
If I'm not trusting you, I can't expect you to trust me.
Still hurts though.
Sorry.

1:23 AM

You could be happy, I hope you are.

You made me happier than I'd been by far.

I'm still here. But I don't even think you can see that anymore.
I don't think you care. I don't think you ever cared. And sometimes I don't care.
Sometimes it's better that way. I'm leaving, so soon. And no one knows just yet.
I wish I had someone to tell. Just one person. To keep my secrets; to listen to my important complaints; to see my pain. Sometimes, you over load me, I hear so much. So much you don't tell anyone else. I don't tell you anything. Why can you trust me, but I can't trust you?
I know I complain, I know I bitch and I'm sorry I do that. But those little things make the things I keep bottled up far too much, so that I have to let them slip, let them seem meaningless.
I've never been good at trust, ever. I always get hurt. I know that sounds dramatic, but I do, everytime. Even as much as I hurt people; I get hurt too.
But still, I want one person. That's all. I've had that. And I know what it feels like. Don't tell me I'm not lonely, that I have no reason to be so upset. I am lonely. More then you'd ever know.
I want to stay. Things here, are not so bad, and exactly what I asked for. As much as I hate it. I'm lucky, and this is new. I want to go; I can't stand this place. I need to be there. But I can't. Because no matter how often you call me selfish. I'm not. I care more about everyone around me then you know. I can't cry when I want to, because of everyone else. And I can't leave, for the same reasons.
It's tearing me in two. And I have no tourniquet. The bleeding won't stop. And now I'm just staining your shirt. It's decaying, and now, I'm melting away. But you can't tell, can you? Because I seem happy. I can't almost feel it. Like the rays are seeping through and thawing my soul, but my bones are frozen, and it hurts to breathe. And that's what important, isn't it.

"You may think I'm happy, but honestly dear, the only way I'll really smile is if you cut me ear to ear."

I've done my fair share of wrong things, and I won't say I don't like to blame other people. I do. But it wasn't only your fault. And as much as you scared me. I over reacted, did I? Everyone keeps telling me; I should have to say sorry. But you have no idea how horrid I feel. I much I want to take it back. I treated you unfairly. But you don't need me like I need you. And I don't think you ever really had any idea how much that was.
"Quite crying your eyes out, baby come on. As if there's something familiar about me."

I always act like my family mean nothing to me. But they mean more then anything. And I'm starting to realise. Home is not where the heart is. Not at all. Even if home is with family. My family aren't here. Not really. Not the ones I'm like, the ones I can tell anything, the ones who understand. But, that's the one thing I can't talk about, the one thing I wish I could.
My uncle; was my best friend. Sounds silly, doesn't it? But he was. He understood, he let me in. He promised to do anything to make me happy. He's still trying, not matter how much trying hurts him. Why can't someone real care like that? Someone here and now. No one does. And I wish they did. I really shouldn't wish like I do. It's mean, and shallow, and empty. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with everyone now. But I'm human, I want. And sometimes I need more.
"I wish that without me, you're heart would break."

Anyways, that's enough for tonight, I think. I've complained, far too much as is.
Ps: Do listen to the song. It's amazing. (L)

To think I might not see those eyes,
Makes it so hard not to cry.
And as we say our long goodbye,
I nearly do.

6:37 AM