You Had Me At Hello.

How can you expect to win this war if you're too afraid to fight?

Dear little girl,
There's so much hurt for such a young age.
Trapped inside a pretty little lie;
Your body's betrayed.

It doesn't seem fair sometimes, does it? The thing we call life.
But what is life? Does it mean we're alive.
I don't feel alive.
Does it mean we're living? I mean, who's to judge if we're living? But what standard is living? I'd say living was enjoying the things it a simple existence. Having the highs, and lows. But that's me. Some people judge living on having things. But what do earthy possessions count for exactly? What do they give us?
I'm not living, by any standard.
But really; who judges 'alive'? Is it a feeling, a word, a process we lead?
I still don't feel it.
And, really, isn't life about choices in every ones book? Because for so long in our life, someone else makes are decisions, someone else does alot for us. And some one's always make our choices, even when we grow out of it. Some people like that, but I s'pose they'd have trouble with mistakes.
I wish I had trouble with mistakes.
Life, is living, living is a feeling. But what feeling do we base the one of life on?
Life hurts. Life kills. Life mesmerises, and inspires.
Are the lows worth the highs? Human life, is too based on the now. We don't think about how okay we'll be in the future, we think about how horrible our now is. So we should base that feeling on now, right?
But what if I'm not okay now?

Sometimes, I wish I could make everything better. But I can't. I can't make him love you. I can't be there. I can't take it back. I can't do anything. But I'm here, and I'll always be here. I'd promise you anything. I'd do anything. I don't care how much I hurt, how bad things are for me. I'm good at looking forward, but I can't make anyone see forward, look past this. But that's all you can do; look past this. I'll help, as much as I can. I want you to ask for my help. I'm begging you to ask me.

Courage does not always roar.
Sometimes courage is that quite voice
at the end of the day saying,
"I will try again tomorrow."

Life's going to mess you up, but just know, I'm right here. I'm right here.

3:39 AM

Hope; it's all the I have.

I know you should never make decisions based on other people, or someone else's plans. But that's what I've always done. I thought this decision was different. That I was doing this for me. But now I don't know. Am I doing this for myself? Or am I doing this for us?
Will you still love me in a year? I know we've promised forever. But what if we don't get that forever. Will you still be worth giving everything up for?
Is giving everything up, already the right decision for me. No matter what? I don't know. But for once in my life. Something is my choice. This is up to me, and me alone. Lets just hope, I don't make my first independent decision a bad one. Because no matter what, I'm missing someone. 'Starting again': What's another new start? I've made so many, in three years, this is just another. I think it's the right one. I'm praying it's the right one. But I've got 6 months to find out.
Ps: Listen to the song. It's amazing. (L)

Wave goodbye to a time,
That you once believed was everything.

12:46 AM

You know that you're not happy, but it's okay.

And all I have is all of me.

And it's all I can give.

All I have - The Rocket Summer.

Do you ever wonder how things could have been? How different you'd be if things ended differently. Does it hurt? How much does it hurt you when you wonder about a different present.
"The past is only the future with the light on."
Do you remember when 'best friend', meant forever? Because, you're still my best friend, you always will be. You're the only one that knows everything. You sat with me and my counselor, you offered to leave. You knew I never wanted you to leave. I never wanted you to leave.. You knew how much he meant to me, you know, you're still the only person who has ever asked me if I'm okay.
I'm okay. Really, I am. Are you?
I don't know much about you. At least, that's what it feels like. Do you feel the same? Because, you really do know everything. The important things. You let me believe in forever, you tried to save me when I'd hit auto destruct. And you know what? You did save me. You do save me.
I'm sorry I never stopped to ask about you. I'm sorry I don't know your friends names. I'm sorry I don't know if you're okay. I never meant to leave you, not the way I did. It was so selfish. I don't want you to forgive me, I just need to know you're okay, now. I don't think I ever told how much I cried when I left you. Did you cry? You stood, right in the middle of the road, and waved until I couldn't see you anymore. That meant the world to me. The fact your goodbyes didn't sound like forever. How I believed you when you said you love me.
"That was then. But then it's true."
You're not mine anymore, are you? Because you were mine. When you'd show up at my house in your pajamas, and scream at me to wake up. When you'd laugh at the stupid things I did. When you told the truth, even when you knew it'd hurt me. When you'd let me sleep, even though you were bored, because you knew I was sick. When you put up with my uncle, because you knew how much I loved him, even though you hated him. When we walked in the freezing cold, hand in hand, because you couldn't be at home and we just walked because we didn't know were else to go. But it was always okay, because we had each other. When we walked along the beach in the terrifying storm, that had you screaming at every lightening strike, because you knew I loved it. When you'd push the cart with me in it, because I was too tired to walk anymore. And you we'd laugh so hard, being apart didn't seem scary anymore.
I knew how much you hated where you were going. I knew that. Is it still as bad? ..I don't know that and I wish I did. I'm sorry, I only talk to you every few months. I'm sorry I don't try. But as much as I am hers, I'll always be yours. "You'll always be my best friend."
Because no matter how much we hate each other sometimes, and how much I wish I could have made you go away. You never left.

..You never left

9:08 PM

"I like my girlfriend, so fuck you."

You make me sick.. In the literal meaning of the term.
You make me nauscious, just looking at you. Thinking makes it worse. You can see no problem with what you've done, can you? You don't see how much you scared me. You didn't see the tears, the pain you caused. You held me, when the memories of him hurt me, and terrified me. Now, it's not him that hurts. It's you. Can you see that? See, that you're not much better then him. But I'd bet you don't. You scare me. Not because you're stronger, or tougher then me. But because I'll know what you're willing to do. I wish you hell, but, that's much more than you deserve. I'm so, so glad I hurt you. I wish I'd done worse. That's what you deserve. You always ruined everything. Why did I think how far I've come would be any different? So, you can hate me. Go for your life, I hope it crashes and burns. Because hate, isn't even a word I'd use when it comes to you anymore. So rot, kill yourself. She would be better off without you. Even if she can't see it yet. But, I know things you don't. I can see them. You're to ignorant and stupid. Try prove me wrong, I dare you, but; you're not going anywhere with your life.
And just for the record: I don't care what the person I thought always had something to say to fix things says; I can stay mad at you forever. And I plan to. You have no idea what you did to me that night. And I'm not going to be the one to tell you, I shouldn't have to.
And I'm not going to tell everyone else. Because no matter how I hate you, I know I'm better than that - then you.

3:52 AM

Take a chance, I promise you that you might even smile.

Someone has sown me shut; they locked me up. This is where they all throw me to the wolves. Dragged behind and trampled on. I can't keep clawing at the jaws of hell. Write down my thoughts and read me my rights. Repeat, repeat, repent and repeat. The cycle never really ends 'till they admit that it's real. Everything is leaving me wondering.. I hate that I'm questioning everything.

This is how it seems to me; I've drowned myself in self-regret.

This is how I wanna be. This can't be how I wanna be. This is spinning perfect little circles and that's all that they know.. Nothings right, just left alone. Sinking in will be just fine. None of them will ever know.

This weekend, was supposed to be amazing. A class party with my friends, and day in the city; meet the boys from Short Stack, meet Oli Sykes, sleep over in the city, come home to my perfect book. But instead, I got betrayal, disappointment, fear, nostalgia and aches in places I didn't know could ache.
I did have a time at my friends - for a while. But, like every time we're together and everyone is enjoying themselves you turn into a total bitch. You ruin every one's time, and I'm not the only one who thinks that. Why can't you get over yourself? What you did, I will never ever forgive you for what you did. You scared me, you hurt me and I bet you blame me. You're no better then him. You did just as bad as what he did and I know you won't ever acknowledge that. I got into the Short Stack video clip. With the one person I didn't want to see for the rest of my life, she killed it. My friends I wanted to be there with, weren't. And it was kind of boring in all honesty.. I didn't get to meet them, again. Sitting outside the Bring Me The Horizon concert was one of the most memorable nights I've had in a long time. Talking was nice. It was fun. And the people I met, where amazing. Oli Sykes is a loser, so I didn't get to meet him, but that only sucked because it meant a bit to the girl who's day I ruined, and it didn't happen. Didn't stay in the city, because of some betrayal. But the memories from that night, are nice.

The sadistic side of me, is the one I try the hardest to hide. The part I bury to try and seem nice. The part of me, I despise. But you bring it out. And I don't plan to make it go away. I wish you would kill yourself. I think alot of people would be much better off without you.

Good God, can you still get us home?

1:50 AM

I am nothing special; of this I am sure.

For once in my life, the future looks okay.

I know exactly what I want, for the most part. What I want to do, where I want to be, who I want to be there with.
I'm pretty sure, I know how I feel, too. Thank you, for your help, certain someone. "The comforter not the comforted."

This weekend was good, I mean, proper good. I actually had fun. I usually don't have proper fun. I hope this isn't the only time.. I'm so glad I have friends like I do, even if I want away with this place. It's not too long now..

I feel like I'm growing up. It's hard to explain, it's just a feeling. Like I can handle things, do things, say things. I like it, I think.

And sorry about the short-ness of my blogs of late.
I think, it's because when I post them, I don't feel as terrible as usual. But that's only because my mood swings are getting worse.. Much worse. The happiness, is so much higher, the lows, so much deeper. Heart crushing plummets. So, expect a terribly sad blog, before too long.

This December; it's one more and I'm done.

3:16 AM

I would rather share one life time with you, than face all the ages of this life alone.

Another ride on the train,
I drop you off once again.
Butterfly broke through my chest,
It helped carry me home.
There is no master plan,
My heart is in your hands.

Forever: is until you find something better.
What if you never find something better? What if things just end. Because, forever, is still an amount of time; time is made up in groups; seconds, hours, days. So what if, your 'forever' is only a day? Forever - still an distance in time. But, something better? Something will always be better. I different cases, the differences will make certain aspects better. But, I don't want a day long forever. Or even something 'better'. I want now.

I miss feeling special, like I'm needed. I guess, every one's needed in one way or another. But, I think I'm invisible. Even teachers don't notice me, let alone my friends. But really, I'd like someone to ask if I'm okay - and mean it. Why can't people just mean what they say?

"These two are so in love."
You just light up my face.
Wrap my arms around your ribs.
Can't break this embrace.

Running down my face,
I'll say that I need you near.
It's falling into place,
The words that you want to hear.

3:08 AM

You're like a burning building the way people stand at safe distances to gawk.

I'm definitely considering dreams are worth giving up when everything seems way too much.

I don't know if it's really them, or the fact I wish they where others. But I'm not enjoying this. There's really only one person now, I pushed the other away. But I'm hopeing she'll be what I'm looking for. I think, I hope. I'd like that. I know what hurts.. Hating this place. I know, exactly where I want to be. And no, it's not just because of her as I'm continually being told. I wanted to live there before her, so, I don't care what you say. I'm over the differences. The things so subtle you wouldn't notice, unless you've been through the change. I like quite. I like nothing. I like change. I like the lack of change. I like the limits. Because I don't want big, where there's everything to do. Because I have no one to do them with, I want nothing to do. Simple. Plain. Boring. Beautiful. At one stange, I brought my self to tears because I'd have missed my friends so much, I wouldn't be able to bring myself to leave them. Now, I'm begging for the chance to move on.

The only think I wanted to tell you, is I feel perfectly fine.
But I honestly just need some piece and quite for a while.

Goodbye, is just word. And part of life. Everyday we say goodbye to so much.
Everynight, we say goodnight to the sun. But you see, the sun comes back after you've opened your eyes. And every morning I open my eyes, and she's still not there. It's not the same, and it's not nice. I can't bring myself to change anything. Everything's the same as the morning you left, and took my heart with you. And I can't move, anything you touched.

She blew a kiss, it somehow misses and I ended up all alone, once again. And when it rains I always slip, the horrible weather has gripped it's arms around me.

11:06 PM

He is the lamb, she is the slaughter.

Sic Transit Gloria...Glory Fades - Brand New

I really only want one thing right now. More then everything, more then anything. Just the one thing. It's quite little, on the grand scale of things. Quite insignificant to anyone but me. Simple to everyone else - all that I need. It'll come everywhere. Do things. Like before. Keep me awake, help me through the bad times. Look distraught when I cry, smile when I laugh. Love me, unconditionally. It's sounds so primary school. So sad, so.. pathetic. But it's what I want, and it's starting to become a need. A friend, that's all.
Like before. When hanging out, was just hanging out. And I didn't have anything else to worry about. Not how I looked, not how I felt. Or what I felt. Walking around the mall for hours, bus trips to know where. Night time adventures. When fun didn't mean intoxication. When we didn't have to do anything to have fun. When I could stay up, and sleep in. When I wasn't embarrassed about anything. When I could have fun. And tell someone everything. Everything at all. And I didn't want to cry, because they took away that feeling.
I'm sick of 'coping' of trying to be okay. Of pretending. Of not having that. I need that. That's who I am. And I don't think anyone understands.
Part of me died when I left there. And I can never ever get that back, no matter how hard I try, how long I stay here, or how far I run. I just want to be okay again. Or have someone to make me feel like someone will be there if I'm not. Or care if I'm not.
My best friend, asked the one thing, no one else bothered to ask, in the first sentence she spoke in over three months. I want someone like that, again. Who doesn't just know everything, but cares about everything, too.
I don't want to be invisible. I don't want to be alone, lost.
Lead me home. Lead me away. Lead me back to wherever someone will need me.
Fix me.

Let the ocean heal me. Breathe me in with the tide.
And set m back upon a crystal shore, into waiting arms, restored.
Let dulled city lights heal me. And an embrace, relive.

2:55 AM

I'm ready to hear you say who I am is quite enough.

I really don't like you anymore, quite honestly; I don't.
You bore me. You aggravate me. You bring out the worst in me.
You are all I have.
What hurts most: I need you.
But then again, I need anyone right now.
I'm scared to be alone. I'm scared to fall asleep.
There's no nightmares. Just constant thinking. Wondering. Worrying.
I'm reading to burst into tears. Not cry. But cry. Body racking sobs. Tremor filled, painful sobs.
I can't do it. I don't want to. I'll wear myself out trying to be okay.
But no one asks. I want them to. But then again, I wouldn't have an answer if they did.
This hurts more then before. And it's no where near complete.
Not feelings okay. If I had someone to share that with.
The someone I had, I don't want. I don't appreciate. But, I'll continue to use them. Maybe I'll go back to needing them. But part of me hates them.. Hates that, if they where what I wanted. I'd have them, everyday. They could be what I need. But what I want, what I need is so far away.
So I'll continue to try.
I'm so tired right now.

I changed plans, for you. Did you know that? I always do that.
Made it so, you'd be happy. Instead of keeping myself as distracted as possible. I stopped that.
I knew you didn't like it. Or even want it for me. And look what you did: You lied to me.
And now I'm so alone. You do this every time.
I say no, for you. Stop, for you. Keep my mouth shut, for you. And what do I get? You doing whatever you want. And I let you. Because I don't want you to feel how I have to feel. It isn't fair.
But what is? And what's my basis for comparison?
So, it doesn't matter. I'll let you be selfish. And bitchy. And do this.
Because you love me. And right now, that's what I need.

I've been broken back to this. I'll do anything now.
You think I've, 'learnt my lesson' - I've just died. That's all.
I suppose it's not so bad. I'll get something back for it, in the end. And it'll pass.
But I hope not being able to feel the sadness passes, too. The feel of insomnia is the ghost keeping me awake. And, I need more then to sleep.

You don't know where you've been.

Well, you don't where I've been.

What are we to do with you?

4:49 AM