You Had Me At Hello.

When she jumped, she probably thought she could fly.

You see, what we have here is a dreamer.

You've never seen me happy. You won't believe it. But you haven't. You've experienced the happy smile, the laughter, you've never seen me happy. You've seen the mask. You've seen me afraid. You've seen me so afraid. You did nothing. He terrified me. Did you know that? Would you believe that? If I told you, you'd laugh, like you always do. If you knew, you wouldn't bring him up, like you've done. I want to forget that. I can't. Can you see. Understand? Please? It hurt. I wish you knew how it hurt. I'll never tell you. You'd yell at me. Blame me. I already blame myself. I don't need you to blame me as well.

We're flying. We're falling. But we can't tell. And you've caught me before I can think twice.
It's freezing, bone-chilling cold. They're in bed. Wrapped in warm dreams, with ones they love. They're at home, crying, hoping for the refuge of sleep. We don't need that. We're here, not giving a second thought to anyone but us. We can't feel the cold, the despair that stings are lungs as we pull each breath so heavy in the darkest night, yet. But it's not dark from where I'm looking, staring at the full moon, it's the brightest night yet. We'd feel the cold, we're cold to the touch, but there's firing roaring through as, painting the frost bitten corners of our spirit.
It's a stretch of road, the dim lights riding across the breeze from the bars, the hotel, the mall. If not already, they're reaching dead as sleep deprived, middle aged workers pack up from the crowd. A band played tonight. A band who's name no one will remember, they were only background noise to the laughter. But they enjoyed them self. They were alive. While we sat in the sand, documenting has happy they were. This side of the street is almost dark, alive with us. The moonlight's shining off the water, hitting your face, decorating it. There's a park not so far up the road. We played there last summer, do you remember? You swung me so high on the swing I thought I could fly. We're here again. I'm flying, you're catching me, before I know if I'm falling. I've lost my breathe, I'm nauseous, I'm light headed, I'm happy. I never did like heights, but I trust you. I've tripped walking to the seat to catch myself. The pavement rushes up to meet me. I never did like heights. You've caught me.
Once I could walk again, we ran. I swear we were floating. As you stopped, you grabbed my arm and spun me until I was in your arms. I've never loved you like that, you've never loved me. Together we're perfect. We held hands outside these beach showers before. Last summer. Do you remember? The sting of sun kissed skin. The way we watched the waves engulf the surfers bodies. I don't think you consciously made the decision. I don't think I did either. But we held hands.
By now we've reached another bench. I sit. I'm laying down, watching the stars dance, the moonlight sings their favourite songs. They spin, they twirl, they sparkle. I'm pulled from my dream, I'm on my feet. You've always been taller, not by much, but enough, that if I wanted, I could lean my head easily against your shoulder. You've found a shopping cart. I humor you with applause, as you pull me off my feet, I'm in the cart. You tell me I'm small. I'll survive, trust you. You push me, casually, safely, I relax and lean my head against the far end. I look from the stars, to you. The moon eliminating you. Spot lighting your eyes. We've reached a basket ball caught, you yell for me to trust you, as you spin your end of the cart to the side. Spinning, spinning, spinning. I come to a stop against the light poll. The light isn't shining tonight. Only the moon. Only us. You let out a cry of victory, as I laugh until it hurts. You tell me I'm cute when I'm disoriented. The only thing I have for you is my middle finger. You laugh, you know I'd never mean it. You spin me again. But before you let go you jump onto the end, now we're spinning. As we hit the grass, the cart goes head over heels, you catch you self, as I topple to the ground. It doesn't hurt now, nothing does. You've swept me off me feet, I'm in the cart again. We talk small. About the simple things, you're leaving, I'll go, soon enough. I love this part of town. You'll always be the best part.
We're under the shade of a tree. We've been here before. Do you remember? When I feel. It hurt, we stopped here. You repaired me. That's what we're doing now. I told you I was broken, you're fixing me. You've saved me. The sidewalk stretches until it hits the hill. I tell you we should go up there later tonight. The view would be amazing. You agree. We both know we're not making it up there any time soon. I'm resting my head against the wall of my home for the night, you laugh, I'm falling asleep. You tell me to wake up, I groan at you. Again, we're flying. You're pushing me towards the hill. The cold air cuts through my skin. I can't feel it. I'm so warm, tonight. It's dissolving this despair. You were lost. Now I'm found. As we gain speed, you jump onto the back, and let out, that same victory cry. The holiday stayers won't be pleased with this noise. Neither of us care. The cart hits the grass on the left side of the sidewalk hurling us into the fence around this edge of the beach. "Come one" you shout, as you pull me to my feet again. We're flying again. As we hit the water, I know where we are, I'm suddenly awake. This isn't safe. But we're not going that far out. And, the dead of night, is just as safe as the middle of the day. We've been here before. Do you remember? I almost drowned. You saved me. I owe you more than my life by now. But this is all I have.
The salt waters crashing around us, as you kick it up, as we run through the waves.
We are completely sober. Happiness is not a drug. It is the cure.
I spin, arms out stretched, twirling, the moon my online point of sight. I'm holding on to it. As you keep me grounded while we fly. I stop, open my eyes. You're gone.
I'm awake. I'm alone. My room, pitch black. Hot. Screaming a silent language I don't understand. Tonight you saved my life. By the end. I did love you more then that, you loved me more then you knew. Save me. Come back. Be real. Exist. Cope.
I covers are thrown to the side, as I pull myself to the bathroom. I won't turn on the light. The full moon through the window is enough. I see a reflection. How I wish I could recognize it as my own. I've cried in my sleep, again. Always only again. I turn on the water, cold, hot, it won't matter when I step into it. I can only feel the cold, radiating from my flesh. I take of most of my clothes. And collapse. I sobbing, dying mess on the shower floor. When I can't cry anymore. I roll back into my bed, wet hair, drenched clothing. Just let me sleep again. Tonight, I'm dying.
I could do with that cure now, please doctor.

Though choked back tears and clenched teeth I'll scream the words in side, when all you hear is a whisper. This is me smiling.

The way we laugh until we cry, dance until we die.

5:58 AM

I want to run; but only far enough to make you miss me.

I wish, I could make everything better. Make the hurt stop. But I can't make him love you. But, if I love you, will that be enough?
..Like I'm ever enough

Is there really something wrong here? Or am I just creating it, so I have an excuse to be upset. My friends, should be amazing. Everything, should be okay. But still I beg for more. All I can bring it down to is:
Everything isn't okay. Because I don't have to one person I want. The one person I still love.
Yes. I love my friends, more than anything.. But this is different.
Without my friends - I wouldn't be me.
Without her - I wouldn't be alive.

Why does everything seem so fragile?
Why am I so fragile.
I look at things, everything looks different. It feels different. But that could just be me. When I look at things, it's like I'm evaluating how long they're going to survive. How long my friends will stick around before they figure out how terrible I am. And how much I destroy thing. When I walk, I look around, trying to absorb everything, because I don't know how much longer I'm going to be around.. It's killing me. I could never have fun with my friends.. That never bothered me. But now I need to have fun, because when I lose it. I can look back on the 'happy' times, and only see the emotions. Not feel them.

I don't want to see emotions. I want to feel them. You can only live in dreams for so long, before you have to wake up. And how terrified will I be, when I do wake up? I need to open my eyes. And feel, not just see. Looking at everything through a veil will destroy everything.

Counting down to when my world falls apart, is only hurrying the process.

NOTE:
Dysfunctional. Doesn't it just, look dysfunctional? Aha.

Ps;
I have my next blog topic, but I don't think I want to type it up, just yet.
So there should be a next blog, soon.

7:11 PM

We're honorary members of the red carpet academy.

Best Friend Means Forever.

I think this blog, will be shorter then usual. But, alas, I ramble; so you never know.

I never write what I plan to in these things. Like. Ever.

And I complain, alot, I swear.

Sigh* Martina McBride - God's Will

That song.. it's more amazing than words. Why can't I write well?

I wish I could. I want to give you an idea. An image. Picture perfect. So you can see what I mean.

I want to paint the words in your memory. So when you need them, you search and find the photo. I'd kill to take everything away.

My friends, lately, all have a different problem. Sometimes, I wish I could tell them to get over it. That I don't care. But I do care. It just hurts that, although I'd kill to have things like they do sometimes, I have what I want. And their problems, are still problems. And I can never make them problems go away. I'm too awkward to say what I want. And I don't think they want me. But I want to, and I can't. And that hurts.

I want you to tell me what you know.

Show me. Let me in. But you won't.

Tell me what you think of me. What you really think. What you know. And what you think you know.

Show me. Let me in. But you won't.

Do I want to know what they think of me? What they really think.

I think I do. I know I need to hear it.

Maybe. I only want to hear that, because I wish I could do it to everyone.

I'm tired of lying. And I stop lying. And you look at me like that.

Like I broke your heart. Here's the thing. I never asked for your rotten heart. And as much as you were there when I needed you. I don't need you, now. And I don't want you. And I know, your friends know. I don't care. They never liked me. And I never did what you think I did.

You're words, they're electronic. Reflex.

Reflex. I built the mask. And I fight to keep it in place.

My eyes hide everything. They bear everything.

I want someone to slip beneath my mask, undetected. So they can see the real me.
So they can save me. And keep my soul a secret.

Tie me up with sheets and hang me from your tree.

I'll stay out here all night, it doesn't even matter;

as long as I can see, into your room and feel,

like I'm inside your life.

I'll follow you forever.

12:21 AM