I wish I could blog more often. About anything, everything, nothing. Things that make you remember me. Make you understand. But you'll never understand. And I think I can live with that. Because if I don't - I'm rather screwed, aren't I?
You're no better than I am. Whatever you tell yourself.
Being smarter then me, counts for nothing. I try. And trying is as good as anything. You're better looking. I have someone who loves me. You're more popular and you think everyone likes you. My friends are better then yours. They care and they like me.
Right?
I can tell myself I'm good enough. Say all those thing people say are supposed to make you feel better. But none of them ever work. I pretend they do. Act like I don't care. I like to think I'm a good actor. If you don't. Then you're either wrong. Or I'm letting you see.
"When I'm alone, I feel beautiful.." Everyone else makes me feel like crap.. Like I'm not good enough. But it's okay, I'm not good enough. I know that. You know that. It's enough.
My head. Is like a box. It's filled with memories, emotions, smells, tastes, cobwebs. Strange, I know. But, everyone has memories. The scary ones that make you cry in the middle of the shopping centre because you thought you saw someone you wish you could forget. The brilliant ones. That in their brilliancy, break your heart because you know you can't get them back. I have alot of those. But that's what happens when you leave everything you knew, your heart, your world behind for something you hate. It's the little things that get stuck. Remind me of the better times.
I'd like to go back and tell my 13 year old self to learn to shut her mouth. Her world was perfect. She needent search for more. But that's what I always do. Want more. Search for the things right in front of me and never be happy. I'm never happy. Sometimes I'm numb. That's as close to happy I get. I'd bet I fooled you, right? Everyone can smile, laugh, pretend.
The subtle differences break my heart. The smell of rain. The way my friends touch me, what they say. The way the stars shine. Sunsets. The moon. Everything is different. And I'm trying so hard to find that something better, once again. I hate it here. I can't except that I have what I asked for. Because I don't like what I asked for. This is normal for the rest of the world. Trains. Eight lane highways. City lights. Not for me. I enjoy the normal. I loved the normal.
"I pretend I like being different. Really, I just don't know how to fit in."
But back to the topic. Emotions. My head is full of them. Apathy in its self is an emotion. The lack of emotion is an emotion.
Tastes, the taste of the air. The taste of the memory the emotion. Stop thinking. It makes sense. And smells; don't certain smells remind you of things?
Cobwebs. My box is full of them. Even the corners filled with sunshine have the cobwebs. The spidersilk. The empty.
I have every reason to be upset. And no reason at all.
Human Nature.
Before I begin, I do not think I'm perfect. Far from it. And this will not be detailed. I'd prefer you to think for yourself, thankyou.
I've always said people are horrid. They are. Every now and again, you get the few who seep through the steriotype. But they are horrid, in someone elses oppinion. People are selfish. Don't say, not everyone is selfish. Everyone is. It's part of being human. It's a sin.
Want. Need. Control. We are human. And it's killing me.
In a survey, people where asked. Your family pet or a stranger? Who would you save? I knew people would pick the pet. But why?
Fair enough. You love the thing. It's listened. Comforted.. The stranger is human. Flawed. They could be a criminal. Murderer. The animal doesn't have a soul. No matter how black, the stranger does. People aim for the familiar. Why not go for change. Because familiar, the comforter. Like a baby reaching for it's mother, you reach for the safe place, what won't hurt you. Maybe it's because I never aimed for the safe place or the thing that wouldn't hurt me. But I think, the person saving the animal deserves to die along side the black-hearted stranger.
But then again. I don't deserve any criminal sould be put to death.
People are judgemental. That's why they aim for what they know. They know the thing. It's been judged and obviously seen as decent. To judge a person on first glance, you don't know them, you can leave them.
I'm sick of being left behind.
So, this is the end of another un-eventful blog. Ignore the errors, please. And I already know I'm far from articulate or eloquent.
I wanna tear apart your room,
to see if what you say is true.
Darling don't you lie, lie to me.
I wanna break into your heart,
to see why you want us apart.
Oh, I'm scared to death to find out what you think of me.
