I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to touch.

So, I have three other things I should be doing, photos that need uploading and a dog I need to walk. But, alas, I'm lazy and will grace you with my blog.
Ps. Song, as seen above; Empty Like The Ocean - Midtown.

Today. Was as per usual. More then ordinary. But, more then ordinary, is my every day, and therefore ordinary. I think I really do adore my friends, yet, I'm so easily willing to give them up. They're all I ever asked for, and yet, I'd be willing to give them up.. That's not nice.
But, at least now I have that feeling back.
You know the contentment? That's not really content.
Before it was, I don't want to be here, but I be there either, and I'm not willing to leave. It was agony. Not knowing where home really was. It's still not here, but this is closer then it's felt in a long time. In saying that. Here isn't where I'd like to be. I'd rather be with her, quite far away from here. But I have that feeling back. Now I know where I belong. It doesn't exactly make sense I know. I'm happy to stay here, but I'd rather be there. Wanting to be there would mean giving everything here up, that's a huge sacrifice, and not wanting to make that sacrifice hurt. Being willing to make it now, makes me feel a lot better.
Odd, yes? But, that's what love is; a series of odd, unexplainable emotions you can't control, a train racing toward a destiny it doesn't even know, edging your heart to beat ever so off key, forcing you do recognize the difference but not telling you how to make it go away. I am a tad tragic, yes? I'm a poet.. What did you expect? But this all reminds me of the sayings relating love to a car or train crash.. I'm sure a train or car ride wouldn't be this riveting until the moment it crashed, though. And then it hurt. Those sayings don't mention anything about how great love can feel before the crash, do they?
And on the topic of poetry; I haven’t written anything, in longer then I can recall. I write those crash tragic depression stories instead. Let's hope we've seen the end of those..
But yes, to say it.. I think I'm 'better'. I mean 'mental illness' is like, the stupid thing ever. Shouldn't you be able to get over a 'mental illness'? It shouldn't keep coming back. Or lurk in the shadows, and be able to haunt you in the darkest corner of your mind until you trip and it engulfs you.
Bipolar. I mean, seriously, I'd rather not even give it the notification let alone a name. But, that's just me.
"I have this mental illness. I don't get to choose my moods and what I do then." To simple. You can't decide how you feel. And sometimes you can't think enough to stop from doing what you know is stupid. A drug? I mean, it dulls your senses..
Make her happy. It's not our fault, love. He threatened, if I did anything like that again, he'd beat me until I snapped out of it. I think I'd appreciate that. It's not nice to hurt inside and outside.. I like my new friends.

But I'm over that, right?
It doesn't really hurt anymore. It got so much worse before it went away, though. But that's okay. I should be used to it.
I admitted to myself on the bus today. This is as good as it's going to get. Also, thank you to Gerard Way “It’s okay to die.”
Maybe just for now. But, I'm okay with that. It's not easy to love someone far away. But it's strong enough it doesn't matter to me. And giving up on that love, would hurt so much more than it does dealing with distance.
"Dealing with distance" I like that one..
So, I'm living with it. I do love her, more than enough. And, she does love me. This is what's best. To answer that question.
"Do what's best for you. What makes you happy." This does make me happy. Breaking the now repaired, shattered heart, I don't think it'd heal. So, I'm just going to leave it like this. This is enough. So long as I know better than to push you away again. To push anyone away.

I missed someone more then I noticed. She was so amazing, and I just stopped talking to her so much, and actually hated her at one stage, I’m nyhappy I have her back. “JE.EEEEH!” Tehe. Yes, Nyhappy, thankyou margz. Made my day with that one. And I thought things with someone I was really close to last year, that helped me through so much were getting better. Well, a sentence a week is an improvement. But if she’s not talking to me for the reason I think she’s not. She can get over herself. Sorry..

I spent the weekend with my best friend. I don't like the fact my best friend doesn't like my girlfriend, but, that's okay. She will. One day, right?
She's protective, to a degree. And all she sees is how much this hurts. Not how happy it makes me. I'm bringing it down to that. It might be, other reasons, too. That's understandable, but that's okay.
And yes, girlfriend. Feel free to get over it, anytime soon, Kay?

I had a thought on the bus today. Oh yes, I do often think..
Spider webs. Don't ask where it came from.. It's kinda creepy.
People are like spider webs. One thing makes them, anything can break them.
They're strong in some ways, and very fragile in others. I know people are not spiders, it's a metaphor. Feel free to ask me about it, or think about it. You should think about it..

Question; does anyone else think, Act Of Depression - UnderOATH, sounds like a scream filled rip off of something David Bowie would have done for "Labyrinth"?

Lying's really the truth in disguise.