There's a fire in your eyes, and I hope you let it burn.
There's a scream in your voice, and I hope you will be heard.

I don't know what to blog about, now I can actually post a blog. Sounds about right..

Memories. Reflections of how one perceives things really happened.
I like that. I remember things very differently to how other people do. But you can't feel what other people feel. You can imagine how they're feeling. Brush against how they're feeling. But you can't feel exactly how they do. And. You can try make them feel better. But you can do that when you don't even care. That's the difference between empathy and sympathy - caring and acting. "Memory itself is an internal rumor."

Nostalgia. From nostros, a return home, and algos, a painful condition.
From a return home to an ache. "Sometimes I miss you so bad, I can hardly stand it."

Did you know; most quotes about 'memory' are to do with children? I found that interesting.. Is it, because when we're young everything seems perfect? That we can block out the painful things? If I've blocked out the 'painful' things. I hate to find them, again. Because what I've got is quite painful already.

You know; I cry, every time I write a blog. But it's like therapy for me.
You have to rip apart you heart. Tear open wounds. For them to heal again. Because with out help, 'heart wounds' heal crooked, heal broken, and become infected. So to feel better, you have to feel worse. You have to tear them back open to fix them. So slowly, I'll fix what's been mutilated beyond - what used to seem - repair.

Personalities. They're what you love, or hate about people. When it comes down to it.
Everything about people is made from their personalities. But sometimes, the things in people you hate, are what make you love them.
-- She's always around, always involved, always just there.
This can be good, or bad. It makes me hate her. But it what I love about her. She's always right there.

I've finally found a reason to come home.
I want a reason to come home. I don't, really have one. I have no reason to stay here. I have part of one, but that's my reason for everything.

I'm tired of living in fear of you.
Thursday, last week. I thought I saw you. You made me cry.
I broke your heart. You broke me. I hope you still ache when you think you see me.

You're no better than I am. Whatever you tell yourself.
Being smarter then me, counts for nothing. I try. And trying is as good as anything. You're better looking. I have someone who loves me. You're more popular and you think everyone likes you. My friends are better then yours. They care and they like me.
Right?
I can tell myself I'm good enough. Say all those thing people say are supposed to make you feel better. But none of them ever work. I pretend they do. Act like I don't care. I like to think I'm a good actor. If you don't. Then you're either wrong. Or I'm letting you see.

"When I'm alone, I feel beautiful.." Everyone else makes me feel like crap.. Like I'm not good enough. But it's okay, I'm not good enough. I know that. You know that. It's enough.

My head. Is like a box. It's filled with memories, emotions, smells, tastes, cobwebs. Strange, I know. But, everyone has memories. The scary ones that make you cry in the middle of the shopping centre because you thought you saw someone you wish you could forget. The brilliant ones. That in their brilliancy, break your heart because you know you can't get them back. I have alot of those. But that's what happens when you leave everything you knew, your heart, your world behind for something you hate. It's the little things that get stuck. Remind me of the better times.
I'd like to go back and tell my 13 year old self to learn to shut her mouth. Her world was perfect. She needent search for more. But that's what I always do. Want more. Search for the things right in front of me and never be happy. I'm never happy. Sometimes I'm numb. That's as close to happy I get. I'd bet I fooled you, right? Everyone can smile, laugh, pretend.
The subtle differences break my heart. The smell of rain. The way my friends touch me, what they say. The way the stars shine. Sunsets. The moon. Everything is different. And I'm trying so hard to find that something better, once again. I hate it here. I can't except that I have what I asked for. Because I don't like what I asked for. This is normal for the rest of the world. Trains. Eight lane highways. City lights. Not for me. I enjoy the normal. I loved the normal.
"I pretend I like being different. Really, I just don't know how to fit in."
But back to the topic. Emotions. My head is full of them. Apathy in its self is an emotion. The lack of emotion is an emotion.
Tastes, the taste of the air. The taste of the memory the emotion. Stop thinking. It makes sense. And smells; don't certain smells remind you of things?
Cobwebs. My box is full of them. Even the corners filled with sunshine have the cobwebs. The spidersilk. The empty.

I have every reason to be upset. And no reason at all.

Human Nature.
Before I begin, I do not think I'm perfect. Far from it. And this will not be detailed. I'd prefer you to think for yourself, thankyou.
I've always said people are horrid. They are. Every now and again, you get the few who seep through the steriotype. But they are horrid, in someone elses oppinion. People are selfish. Don't say, not everyone is selfish. Everyone is. It's part of being human. It's a sin.
Want. Need. Control. We are human. And it's killing me.
In a survey, people where asked. Your family pet or a stranger? Who would you save? I knew people would pick the pet. But why?
Fair enough. You love the thing. It's listened. Comforted.. The stranger is human. Flawed. They could be a criminal. Murderer. The animal doesn't have a soul. No matter how black, the stranger does. People aim for the familiar. Why not go for change. Because familiar, the comforter. Like a baby reaching for it's mother, you reach for the safe place, what won't hurt you. Maybe it's because I never aimed for the safe place or the thing that wouldn't hurt me. But I think, the person saving the animal deserves to die along side the black-hearted stranger.
But then again. I don't deserve any criminal sould be put to death.
People are judgemental. That's why they aim for what they know. They know the thing. It's been judged and obviously seen as decent. To judge a person on first glance, you don't know them, you can leave them.

I'm sick of being left behind.

So, this is the end of another un-eventful blog. Ignore the errors, please. And I already know I'm far from articulate or eloquent.

I havn't writen a blog in.. forever. o.o
This one, I think, is going to be very odd, and.. boring. My blogs are deffiently going down hill.. Stupid internet. I had so much I wanted to write about. Oh well, this might help me get over that. LOL. And I can't remeber what I was planning to title the blog, or what lyrics I was going to put in it, but, I guess, I'll use the song I'm listening to.
Mayday Parade - The Last Something That Meant Anything
But the title of the blog is - One Man Drink Games. That song is amaze.
I don't know why, but even the name of this song makes me almost cry. It is a song song, "I'll be okay. Is that what you want me to say?" It's a break-up song. But the title.. The last something that ever means anything is always the best. Hardest. Most upsetting. It makes me miss my old life so much.

My mother told me, it doesn't matter where I live I'm not going to be happy.
I wasn't 'happy' where I used to live. But that wasn't the fault of where I lived. I liked it there. I wanted change, that's all. I don't think I like it here. Yes, my friends are imense, but this isn't normal. I don't care if my mother thinks it is. For me it isn't. And excuse me for caring about the things that mean the most to me and make me upset. And this place makes me upset.
I want my old friends back. They don't really miss me I don't think. The girl who was more then my best friend doesn't even talk to me anymore. I loved her, more then anything and I hated myself for leaving her. And I loved when I went back to her and things were like they used to be. But now, I mean nothing to her, I can tell. But she's happy without me, so it's okay. No, I do not love her like I used to. I miss her and the way she made me feel. That's all.
I know I need to stop saying things about everything being okay because everyone else is happy. I need to be happy, too. My being happy means something to someone, or more then one person, but I've always put other people first, and that's one of the reasons I'm so screwed up. I hate when I'm called selfish. It's not fair to call someone that. You don't know how they work, or how they think, you can't call them selfish unless you are them.

I'm going to Short Stack tomorrow night. Way excited, I think.
I know, odd right? I THINK. But I don't exactly get over-excited over them. But I like them and it should be fun. The last person I expected to come with me, is taking me. Andrew. Odd boy, that one. He think's he's going to have fun? He usually listens to hip-hop and things, but he does like the good music I send him. So I'm going to make sure he has fun. I owe him. I told him that and to be honest I'm kind of afraid of what he decides I owe him..

Amy decided she wants to see me that night.. I'm glad, I think. I don't want to ruin something for her. But she asked, and I do want to see her. I'm so sorry I hurt her, and didn't believe she loved me. I don't know if it's safe to say that hurt me more, but it hurt alot. I was willing to let her be happy, it didn't matter if she didn't love me, I just want her to be happy. You're more than a title. I know that, thankyou. You only said it because you care. But you're right. Your advice is biased. She does love you. Thankyou, Sarah. You don't even talk to her and you were willing to convince me she loves me. I really don't know what I'd do without that girl. No one gets me as well as she does, I don't think. It's probably all those Wednesdays walking to the lake and listening to all of each others problems. I wish I could fix everything for everybody. But I can't even fix my own problems, what hope have I got for helping them?

I don't like my mood swings. I mean, no one likes there own. But there's generally one girl on the end of mine. And my entire attitude towards her changes. I like her, I hate her, I like her, now once more, i dislike her. I don't know why. But sometimes I wished she'd just stay away from me. And it's so mean, and I hate being cruel to her, but I am. I don't think it's entirely my fault, either.

A year ago, well more then a year ago now, something I wish I could forget happened. I always blame myself, I could have stopped it but I didn't. I can't go a day without thinking about it, and I shudder everytime I remember and I hate it. This is my karama I suppose, I hurt him like that and now I get this. But he should never have done that.. And now I see him everywhere and it terrifies me.. What if he comes back? I can't deal with that again. But I think, this time, I'm safe. I hope I am, atleast. I'm alone an hour every afternoon on my way home. I can't bare thinking about what will happen if he finds that one out.. This is my internal hell I swear.

Yes, internal hell. Everyone has one. That place inside you, you can't bare to look and everytime you touch it, it hurts you. It drives you towards it and pushes to the brink of breaking sometimes but you can't make it go away. But it heals over, peice by peice. It just takes time.

I'm having a complete mind blank on what to write, I'll make sure my blogs go back up that hill, I hate when they're boring like this, really. And I know why my internet wouldn't work. Stupid Twirl.. But I love it. Oh well, looks as though I need to quit the habbit of it. Wow, that sounds tragic. LOL. So now I know the problem, more blogs soon.

"I got the chemistry wrong. Right when I think I don't care at all - I care more then ever."

I knew someone like you once.
Really?
Yes.
Maybe I should meet them.
Can you turn back time?
No.
Then you're not going to meet them.
They're dead?
They're you.
Really now?
The you I love. The one I miss, could you ask her to right me one of these days? I'd love to know where I stand.

Ps. Real blog soon. I don't know if I'm busy or just can't be bothered. But there will be one, soon.

You know you'd rather die.You should never have done that, what makes you think you have the right to treat the only good thing to ever happen to you like that?

Shut up, okay. I know I had no right and that she didn't deserve that, but this isn't all my fault. And don't call her the only good thing, she's more then that, and you know it.

Make me? It is your fault. She didn't even say anything. Oh, do I know?

Yes you do know that! It is my fault!

She didn't deserve it. This is your fault.

You know I'd rather die.

You can't give up like that.

Then you try living like this and feeling like this! Being mad when you know you're not! How dare you tell me I can't..

She doesn't deserve this.

Then you take it back!

I never really wondered how we’d end up.
I guess I just assumed it wouldn’t end? Maybe I just wished it wouldn’t end. But now I’ve thought about it. I don’t want it to end, ever. And I quite like my envisioned future.

I haven’t been very nice to anyone lately. I didn’t care. Not just not about them, but not about anything. That’s gone, the apathy. Now I’m just quite upset and angry. But I don’t think that has to do with anything, really. My friends really do care about me, and I really do think I like that. But, that kind of bothers me. I don’t like people caring about me. It means if I’m upset or anything, that it effects them. It also means if I where to go away, they’d miss me.

“You can’t be missed if you never go away.”
This, I know, is true. But in the end everyone goes away. And I go away quite a lot. Going away doesn’t nessicerally mean leaving. But, I actually want to leave sometime soon. Oh yes, I’m very good at running.
I’ve always done it, always run away from my problems. I don’t really have many ‘problems’ at the moment. Just one. And I don’t guess that’s a problem. I don’t even know a word for it. It is a feeling, a want. Need. I’m behind in school work and will most likely fail my half yearlies but that’s a personal problem. Something I don’t consider a problem. If you can’t help it, don’t complain about it. I hate when people do that. Complain to me about something they can fix or help. That’s complaining, when you say something you can’t fix or help, or express an emotion you can’t prevent. That’s not complaining, in a way you’re just looking for someone to help you. Not complaining to them.

So it’s true that I adore my friends, really. Yesterday I got to talk to someone I don’t usually talk to about things like that. But I talked to her, and she really does care. Maybe I don’t have no one. I do feel like that. The two people I’m closest too, and there’s so much I can tell neither of them. It hurts. So much for best friend. I moved at the start of last year. I don’t talk to any of my old friends, and I hate it. But I’m not complaining because this is something I could fix, but I really can’t be bothered. Someone I used to love more than anyone else told me she couldn’t tell me what was wrong because it ‘was personal.’ What the hell is that? But, I see where I stand, I’d just like to be told how I’m felt about, is that so much to ask? And everyone else pretty much gave up on me. I don’t need them. But I wish I did. I hate missing people as much as I hate people missing me.

You know people have that one person that if things had have been any other way, they’d be together? It’s the stupidest thing ever. But alas, I have that person. There is a difference between love and love. Before the bible was translated there were many words for the love between two people and the love for an object. But the English just translated it to ‘love.’ I’d like to know another word for it, so I could tell people how I felt. But I don’t and I can’t. So I’m only going to tell the people I really love that I love them, I think. Corey called me an “‘I love you’ whore” once, he was right. I did just tell everyone I loved them. Let’s hope I’m over that, shall we?

"I'm a war, of head versus heart,
And it's always this way.
My head is weak, my heart always speaks,
Before I know what it will say."
I quite love that song. Crooked Teeth - Death Cab For Cutie
And it's so very true. My head thinks one thing, knows one thing and my heart say's another. It's a tug of war. A very painful, confusing tug war.
But my head usually loses, my heart is very strong for something so fragile. But it always knows how it feels and what it wants before my head can catch up and start the process

Now, here's the part, that if you're smart. You stop reading..
Things weren't very nice for some time awhile ago, as if you read my blog, you see. Now I can feel what I used to. And I love her.
I'm never any good at showing it, really. And sometimes I have trouble saying it. But I do. I hate when she's upset, that I can never help. And then when she feels bad for it. I prefer when she gets mad at me. It never hurts me. I just feel bad, like I'm not helping. I hope I do help.
I really do hate this. The fact I'm so cliché. But that's okay, I guess. I don't care how stupid I am, to think this will last forever. I'll always be hers. Even if she didn't love or want me. I know I'd still love her. But, I'd give her what she want's. I just want her to be happy, that's all.

I explained, something to a friend the other day. "You're amazing. Not many people would do that." I know, but I'm not amazing. Like I said, I'd give her anything to make her happy.

One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life:
That word is love.

I don't want to fuck you. I don't want to touch.

So, I have three other things I should be doing, photos that need uploading and a dog I need to walk. But, alas, I'm lazy and will grace you with my blog.
Ps. Song, as seen above; Empty Like The Ocean - Midtown.

Today. Was as per usual. More then ordinary. But, more then ordinary, is my every day, and therefore ordinary. I think I really do adore my friends, yet, I'm so easily willing to give them up. They're all I ever asked for, and yet, I'd be willing to give them up.. That's not nice.
But, at least now I have that feeling back.
You know the contentment? That's not really content.
Before it was, I don't want to be here, but I be there either, and I'm not willing to leave. It was agony. Not knowing where home really was. It's still not here, but this is closer then it's felt in a long time. In saying that. Here isn't where I'd like to be. I'd rather be with her, quite far away from here. But I have that feeling back. Now I know where I belong. It doesn't exactly make sense I know. I'm happy to stay here, but I'd rather be there. Wanting to be there would mean giving everything here up, that's a huge sacrifice, and not wanting to make that sacrifice hurt. Being willing to make it now, makes me feel a lot better.
Odd, yes? But, that's what love is; a series of odd, unexplainable emotions you can't control, a train racing toward a destiny it doesn't even know, edging your heart to beat ever so off key, forcing you do recognize the difference but not telling you how to make it go away. I am a tad tragic, yes? I'm a poet.. What did you expect? But this all reminds me of the sayings relating love to a car or train crash.. I'm sure a train or car ride wouldn't be this riveting until the moment it crashed, though. And then it hurt. Those sayings don't mention anything about how great love can feel before the crash, do they?
And on the topic of poetry; I haven’t written anything, in longer then I can recall. I write those crash tragic depression stories instead. Let's hope we've seen the end of those..
But yes, to say it.. I think I'm 'better'. I mean 'mental illness' is like, the stupid thing ever. Shouldn't you be able to get over a 'mental illness'? It shouldn't keep coming back. Or lurk in the shadows, and be able to haunt you in the darkest corner of your mind until you trip and it engulfs you.
Bipolar. I mean, seriously, I'd rather not even give it the notification let alone a name. But, that's just me.
"I have this mental illness. I don't get to choose my moods and what I do then." To simple. You can't decide how you feel. And sometimes you can't think enough to stop from doing what you know is stupid. A drug? I mean, it dulls your senses..
Make her happy. It's not our fault, love. He threatened, if I did anything like that again, he'd beat me until I snapped out of it. I think I'd appreciate that. It's not nice to hurt inside and outside.. I like my new friends.

But I'm over that, right?
It doesn't really hurt anymore. It got so much worse before it went away, though. But that's okay. I should be used to it.
I admitted to myself on the bus today. This is as good as it's going to get. Also, thank you to Gerard Way “It’s okay to die.”
Maybe just for now. But, I'm okay with that. It's not easy to love someone far away. But it's strong enough it doesn't matter to me. And giving up on that love, would hurt so much more than it does dealing with distance.
"Dealing with distance" I like that one..
So, I'm living with it. I do love her, more than enough. And, she does love me. This is what's best. To answer that question.
"Do what's best for you. What makes you happy." This does make me happy. Breaking the now repaired, shattered heart, I don't think it'd heal. So, I'm just going to leave it like this. This is enough. So long as I know better than to push you away again. To push anyone away.

I missed someone more then I noticed. She was so amazing, and I just stopped talking to her so much, and actually hated her at one stage, I’m nyhappy I have her back. “JE.EEEEH!” Tehe. Yes, Nyhappy, thankyou margz. Made my day with that one. And I thought things with someone I was really close to last year, that helped me through so much were getting better. Well, a sentence a week is an improvement. But if she’s not talking to me for the reason I think she’s not. She can get over herself. Sorry..

I spent the weekend with my best friend. I don't like the fact my best friend doesn't like my girlfriend, but, that's okay. She will. One day, right?
She's protective, to a degree. And all she sees is how much this hurts. Not how happy it makes me. I'm bringing it down to that. It might be, other reasons, too. That's understandable, but that's okay.
And yes, girlfriend. Feel free to get over it, anytime soon, Kay?

I had a thought on the bus today. Oh yes, I do often think..
Spider webs. Don't ask where it came from.. It's kinda creepy.
People are like spider webs. One thing makes them, anything can break them.
They're strong in some ways, and very fragile in others. I know people are not spiders, it's a metaphor. Feel free to ask me about it, or think about it. You should think about it..

Question; does anyone else think, Act Of Depression - UnderOATH, sounds like a scream filled rip off of something David Bowie would have done for "Labyrinth"?

Lying's really the truth in disguise.

You're only young..
I know.. but, I can still wish for my forever, can't I? Don't I deserve that much? Atleast one thing forever. Maybe I don't.. This 'forever thing' is far more then I deserve, far more then I ever wished for. And I know, I don't deserve something as brilliant as this.
But, this is what you deserve.. Karma.
Okay, so this is what I deserve. But not from that point of view.. I deserve to be hurt. And for her not to love me. I deserve that.. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt more then it should.
She doesn't love you, know of them love you. Who would love you?
She does love me, I know she loves me. Right?
Yes.
But, this hurts. Why does it hurt?
Because she doesn't love you..
Then why is she doing this?
Exactly. Because she doesn't love you. She doesn't know what love is. You're her escape. Her way to deal. And you see the perfection where so many don't. All she wanted was someone like you. And now, that's what she has.
Someone like you.
I can be perfect for her? I will be.
You can't be perfect for anyone. All you do is hurt people. People that loved you. People that cared when she made you this way.
She made me this way?
You know she did. You never used to fall so hard down here. Down to having to listen to me, when she didn't do this.
Do what?! What is she doing?!
Being misleading..
Misleading?
Yes.
But. SHE LOVES ME!
Of course.
Then why?
Because she doesn't 'love' you the way you 'love' her.
She just can't show it.
You've fallen so hard this time. And is she helping you back into sanity?
..Yes
Or is she keeping you in the purgatory of me? Where you can't feel anything, but anger and sadness. And that emotion you push aside so often. Hate. You know, he doesn't enjoy being pushed aside, that's why he comes back so strong so often. If you could get angry when you were meant to and say how you feel.. this wouldn't happen. You should be happy. Even if she doesn't want you.
SHE DOES WANT ME!
Really now? But, she told you herself she didn't.
..She thinks she does
Thinks she does. She doesn't know. She'd rather be happy with everyone else, wouldn't she?
They're just closer.
You could be closer?
No I couldn't.
Length and space isn't all you're distant with, Erin.
I let her in.
Do you? Then why arn't you telling her this?
..I promised.
Didn't you promise to tell her when you were upset?
Yes.
Then..
This is different!
Yes, because you can't pull yourself out this time, Erin. You need her to. But she doesn't want to.
She wants to.. I just can't let her..
Why not?
..I don't know
How can you not know?
Because I don't chose to feel like this, or let you in. You appear. I can't help when you come back and make me sick, and feel this way.
There are no words for this.
..No really?
Why don't you tell her then? You love her, don't you?
More then anything else..
Then..
..Do you know what it's like to love someone so much and worry if they feel the same way?
I am you.
Shutup.
Well..
Yes, I love her.. And she does love me!
I know.
Then why am I doing this to myself?
Like you said; you can't help it.
But I want to. I need to.
Fall into her.
I can't..
You can learn.
Can I?
This isn't your fault remember. Paranoia rolls with us. And, we know you can't sleep. Insomnia and him are joined.
You're not me.
No, but you adapt us.
When I fall.
When you fall.
Am I pushing her away?
Yes.
Is it me?
Yes.
..But why?
Because she hurts you.
No she..
Yes, she does. You love her too much to see. You'd forgive her for anything.
I want her to be happy.
She wants you to be happy, too.
I know.
Then?
Help me?
Only she can do that.. You need her.
I can't help this.
Learn to, learn to and save yourself.
But if she..
No. She helps. But without you, she can't save you. Save yourself. She doesn't want you to give up. None of them do.
But I can't feel anything, anyway.
Really? Think, get past us. What can you feel?
Her.
And?
I love her. Why are you doing this?
I did it because I care. And you do things like that when you care. Not that you'd know what that feels like.
I care.
I know.
Then.. Why?
Why what, dear?
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS!?
This is you..
Will she understand?
Does anyone?
Not usually.
Then risk it.
I don't want to lose her.
I know. Forever thing, right?
Right.
You're only young.
..I quite like the idea of her forever
Then, don't fall into us for help. Ask her.
I..
She loves you.

Maybe.

"I swear that I can go on forever again
Please let me know that my one bad day will end
I will go down as your lover, your friend
Give me your lips and with one kiss we begin

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you

I'll leave my room open till sunrise for you
I'll keep my eyes patiently focused on you
Where are you now I can hear footsteps I'm dreaming
And if you will, keep me from waking to believe this

Are you afraid of being alone
Cause I am, I'm lost without you
Are you afraid of leaving tonight
Cause I am, I'm lost without you"

I didn't mean it.. I.. can help it. But, I'm sick of being mad. I should be mad at the one person I shouldn't be. Maybe, that's why it hurts? Because I can't be mad at you. But I am. And my hearts trying desperately to regect this. That's why it hurts. Maybe, isn't nice..

I'll be fine, I swear, I'm just gone beyond repair.